Protein, Protein, Protein.

When you have weight loss surgery (WLS) you have to change your diet. Your primary means of nutrition must be protein, and with a vastly reduced capacity for food, ensuring your choices are high in protein is essential. Now if you know me you will know how fussy I am with food.
I know people will look at the very narrow range of what I'll eat and wonder how I got so fat. They think people who are fat will eat everything and anything, which is by no means always the case. My life has always revolved around sweet food, so much so that rather than have a starter and main course when out for a meal, I would have quite happily had 3 desserts - not that I ever did, sadly! Even now I crave sugary foods morning, noon and night. The problem is those foods not only have a lot of sugar and fat (and therefore calories), but also aren't very high in protein.
Over the last four years I have tried many protein supplements in the form of shakes, bars and snacks. But once again my taste buds just do not like most. Various friends have recommended different ones to me but I just could not tolerate them. I have to like what I eat or bizarrely I feel sick and will heave. But I have found some that I like and will stick with for the rest of my life.

Protein Shakes
When I had my first surgery my best friend recommended Syntrax Nectar. She gave me a few samples of Chocolate Truffle, Strawberry, and Cookie but I only liked the Chocolate Truffle. I have tried other varieties of Syntrax since, including the Essence and Micellar Creme and I do like all of the chocolate ones I have tried, but I have found that if I mix two of them together they create the perfect drink for me. I love Syntrax because not only are some of them carb free, it doesn't taste too much of sweetener like some of the other products I've tried. Syntrax is expensive compared to many other products and sometimes is hard to find here in the UK, but I wouldn't be without it.

Protein bars

I have tried many varieties of protein bar in my 4 post-operative years but most I have found not particularly appetising. But then just this year I came across the new Grenade Carb Killa. I have tried most of the flavours they do, and really love the Caramel Chaos, and the While Chocolate Cookie ones. They may be a little on the pricey side for some, but if you buy them in bulk the cost comes down. 

Cereal bars

Once again I have tried so many different types. Because for me the taste is as important as the protein content, I've ended up preferring one which is slightly higher in carbs than some alternatives - you have to go for what you like. I have found a couple of Graze bars amazing for taste. My favourites are Cocoa & Vanilla Protein Flapjack, and Banana Protein Flapjack. Strangely, I don't like actual bananas, but the banana flapjacks don't have a particularly strong banana flavour.

Other sources, 

I don't just eat protein bars and flapjacks! I also eat home cooked meals that I normally prepare and put in foil tins, then cook from frozen, I have found that if I cook and eat within 30 minutes I can't eat much. So for me this method works better and I can get protein into myself in a more natural form. 

My favourite things to cook from frozen are:

Bolognese bake - Minced beef in a tomato sauce on the bottom, with macaroni in a cheese sauce on top. 

Chicken wrapped in bacon - I take probably 2/3 of a normal size chicken breast and wrap it in bacon, then with 30 minutes left I will sometimes put a bit of bbq sauce on top to help it go down more easily. 

Shepherd's pie - For this I slow roast a lamb shoulder, then cut it off the bone the leave overnihgt in the fridge to cool. Once it is cold from the fridge you can see the rest of the white fat more easily. I trim that off then whizz it up in the food processor for a few seconds, I add in finely chopped carrots, peas and gravy and top with mashed potato.

Hot Pot - I take some of the lamb that was slow cooked and chop into cubes, add carrots, peas and top with sliced boiled potatoes.

Pie - I prefer either beef which has been cubed and slow cooked for 4 hours, or chicken which I normally roast in the oven then take off the bone. I will add carrots, peas and gravy, then top with a very thin layer of pastry. 

Stuffed Potato skins - Yes this is high in carbs and relatively low in protein, but some days you want carbs and this is a pretty healthy carb choice. I first of all soften/cook jacket spuds in the microwave until they're soft, then cut them in half and scoop out the potato into a bowl, to which I add bacon, light spreadable cheese and a tiny bit of milk just to help with the mashing of the potato. I then add the mix back into the potato skins and top with little grated cheese. 

Big feet

I've always been tall, As I grew up, I passed my dad and brother in height and have always had big feet. While other girls were wearing the latest trend in shoes, I had to make do with men's shoes.

Back in the 90's and early 2000's women's shoes only seemed to go up to a size 7 or 8. Now you can find in some shops on the high street a size 9 and in Evans and Yours clothing, even a size 10 or 11.
I remember the first time I found Evans shoes, I felt like I could finally be a girl - I could dress like everyone else, even if only in the footwear department.

Since having weight loss surgery, my feet have shrunk - not in length but in width. Luckily, thanks to the amazing internet I found a great website called Pretty Big Shoes which has links to lots of sites in the UK, Europe, USA and Australia.

Buying larger shoes usually involved paying a higher price. Until, that is, I discovered that one of the sites from whom I buy clothes also sells shoes up to size 10 in normal widths. That site is Curvissa. I have known about Curvissa for a few years now but had never even considered looking at their shoe range as I simply assumed they would sell only up the the dreaded size 9. So I ordered some of their shoes - I couldn't wait to try them. At the same time though, I was also nervous as sometimes in shoes as in clothing, the sizes can be a bit 'off' and a size 10 turns out to be anything but a size 10. When they arrived I couldn't wait to try them on and my fears were proved baseless - they all fitted perfectly. For the first time in my adult life, I have six pairs of pretty shoes that actually fit my feet. They are so comfy and are a price that won't put a huge dent in your bank account.

I would also suggest you look at the Pretty Big Shoes page mentioned above and try some of the sites they recommend. If you are looking for nice shoes in above average sizes, they may just have what you're dreaming of.

Depression isn't all it's cracked up to be

Since I can remember I have always harboured thoughts that I am useless, fat, disgusting and many other things. Where did these thoughts come from? I am guessing they stem from me hearing other people's opinions of me. Some family members were never particularly nice to me growing up. My parents were always the ones who tried to protect me and love me, and they did love me for who I was, who I am and what I looked like. They only ever tried their best for me. But sadly there were occasions when they didn't hear the other people say these demeaning things to me. No matter how much my parents told me I was loved, lovely and worthy of anything, the other voices were stronger.
Then it started to get worse, more people joined in the tiresome noises in my head - my peers, doctors, people who I did not know and who did not know me, Of course there were the normal "it's such a shame, you would be so much prettier if you lost the weight" to the "you are fat - you can't join in with us", which over the years as I grew and went onto high school, college, the work place only got worse, as did my weight. The louder the voices in my head became, the more I would try to eat and push back those noises, and the worse things got. Back then I was a teenager, and obesity and bullying were not as talked about as they are now.
It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that a doctor finally asked the big question - "How are YOU?" those 3 little words were something I had never been asked before. But they unleashed a tsunami of feelings that food had always repressed. She decided to put me on antidepressants and suggested I see a counsellor. To be honest, I'd have given anything to rid myself of these voices.
So that was the first of many conversations I'd have with people over the years on how to deal with my demons.
Over the past 15 years I have seen many different people who have tried to help me, but none of it has really stuck. I have tried many techniques from meditation, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But none of it has ever really helped.
No matter what questions I asked I could not get the answers I think I needed, I couldn't put these voices and painful memories into a compartment into my mind.
I know I should be stronger than these things, but I am not. Eating is still my comfort and still the thing that helps dull the pain. But still the real voices are there, they are my daily reminder that some people are cruel. I cannot even sit in a silent room - no matter what I am doing I always have the radio, the television or some kind of other voice, even to get to sleep.
I still take antidepressants and remain hopeful that one day I can find a way to learn to like myself.

Thank you!

Following my appearance on television on the programme "Shut-ins - Britain's Fattest Woman", I would like to say thank you so much to everyone who has sent me positive messages and comments. I cannot believe the number of you who've sent me kind words and support. I know many of you have commented on my blog and I am sorry that I have not replied to you on here, but for some reason I am having issues with replying. I just hope I can do well not just for myself but to show all of you that the supposedly 'impossible' can be achieved as long as you keep at it.

Of course there have also been people who tell me I am, amongst other things, ignorant, stupid and that I did not deserve the help I got, To these people I would like to say that you have not walked in my shoes, you have no idea of my issues and what I have been through. You have only seen an hour of television which was edited down from over 2 years of footage. You have no idea of the torment you can get from how you look. The criticism you receive every day from not only people you know, but strangers, is enough to push you to the edge. They seem to think that putting you down will suddenly make you realise you are fat. I don't want to shock you haters out there, but I KNOW I am fat! Is being fat really the worst thing a person can be? Do you think abuse will somehow help towards 'curing' me of my fatness? Or do you just like being angry and rude?
I have no choice but to spend all day every day with my issues apparent for all to see. If I were an alcoholic, drug addict or used another form of abuse to rely on and make my demons go away, I would be able to appear perfectly normal nearly all of the time to those who don't know me. But sadly my comfort, my friend and the one thing I rely on has an obvious and conspicuous physical effect.
Furthermore, imagine being, say, an alcoholic and trying to kick the habit but in order to remain alive, having to take a small alcoholic drink on a regular basis. Or a smoker trying to give up their addiction whilst also having to smoke one cigarette every day to stay alive. The best way to cure an addiction is to avoid the offending substance completely - try doing that with food and see how long you last! Losing weight isn't as easy as those who've never had to do it on a life-changing scale would have you believe.
So if you're one of the haters, maybe you might one day change one of YOUR bad habits and see past the simple surface detail - you'll see that there's a real person in there somewhere.Try to engage with that person instead of falling prey to your own ignorance.

Britain's Fattest Woman My Perspective!

So with tonight's program I thought I would answer some questions that seemed to have popped up about this in the press. Plus a few things I wish to say on the subject.

I do not and would never blame the NHS for the size I got to, I do how ever think things could of been done a lot differently, especially when I was younger. But how can I blame something that helps so many people.
I was always judged and put down by most of the doctors I ever saw as a child and teenager. Even if I went to the doctors for a simple thing as tonsillitis my weight would be bought up, never with words of help or actual advice, but normally being put down, told I was disgusting and that I would probably be dead by the time I was 20.
I did go to a specialist when I was 8 years old, but that was another waste of time and effort on the part of my ever trying mother. I was weighed, height taken and he also felt my groin for what reason I still do not know. I never returned nor do I remember getting any help in any way. Do I think life would of been easier if I was an Alcoholic, a drug user or smoker, YES! All of these people get sympathy for their addiction. But they can walk down the street and no one will know what demons they are battling.

As I got older judgement and my weight got worse, I did have one doctor who asked me if I would consider surgery. At that point in my life I would of done anything to lose weight, I had no friends and I had not had a pleasant childhood when it came to how others treated me.
 I was always the fat child, the odd one out, at high school it got worse and I was teased, made to hide as best as I could from the abuse of others. I had what I thought were friends, but found that I was never sure who to trust. As I left high school and went to college things went from bad to terrible. I stuck it out for nearly a year and a half. Any time I was alone I would get berated, pushed, shoved, told to die, told I was disgusting. As soon as I could drive I thought things would get better, I could get to college as soon as my lecture was ready and get to class without seeing these people. But I could also leave as soon as they finished. This was worse, the people I classed as my friends did not understand, I could not tell them what was happening to me, how would they understand? I was so embarrassed that this was happening to me I had no words to tell people. Along with this people on the street, family and anyone who wasn't my parents put me down, all because of how I looked.
So at 21 I went to see the surgeon that I hoped would change my life, the man who I saw gave me nothing but disappointment, he did not seem to want to tell me what would happen, just that I would never eat normal food again, instead I would have a life of puree food.
From that meeting and for the next 13 years I saw a couple of surgeons who I hoped would help me, instead I would be put down, lied to and told to go away and lose an amount of weight that was impossible.
Looking back on my life I can see I have always turned to food, it has been my source of comfort when I had no one, it is my friend and my enemy, still to this day I have a love hate relationship with food. Just as with other addictions I crave sugar morning, noon and night. I am always wanting something sweet. It's a daily problem but every second of my life I have to say to myself you do not need that. If only it was that easy.

I have been happy in my life, When I was in my early 20's I found the bbw scene, I got to meet amazing women and men who made me for once in my life like myself slightly. Even though I was surrounded by plus size friends I still wanted to be thinner. Not only for the reason that I was always told I should lose weight, life would be better if I lost weight, but for me it was for my health and for the chance to one day be a mum. Since I found these amazing women who I look up to and admire I had never thought I wish to be thin, I have realised that you can be big and healthy, that health is important. You can be a size 8 or 10 and unhealthy but you can also be a size 30 and healthy, It should not matter your size it should matter that you are healthy! But for me at 48.2 stone I was not healthy or happy. I still am not, the amount of damage I have done to my body is still a day to day struggle. I just hope one day I can be back to how I was when I was in my 20's and able to run, jog and walk miles.
I miss working, I miss the social interaction and that I can support myself. I do hope one day to go back to work, I have no idea if I will get a job as my academic life is not great, but also because of my size, Sadly society and most media outlets seem to portray fat people as lazy, useless and unable to do a job.
If any of you have any questions out there please ask me, I am a very open person. I would also like to thank Channel 4 and Blink films for everything that have done for me, without them I would never of got surgery and I would probably of been dead by the time I was 40. Even though every day for me is a struggle I am always fighting! I still get lots of abuse from the person on the street and on social media. But what I have to say to those people is this! You do not know me, you have not walked in my shoes, maybe you should look at yourself a bit more, if it makes you feel better to put someone else down who is fighting a daily battle with themselves!

Fatty nights out

From the age of around 23 I started going to plus size nights out. I was so scared the first time I went to one but I was surprised by the amount of lovely people I met. As I got older the nerves of going never went away. I had met some amazing people through these nights out that I felt so lucky to know people who truly accepted me for me. I was still a shy person, but that didn't matter and people still wanted to talk to me and dance with me. I would meet new people every time I went, but still had nights out with the few real friends I had. I have never been good at making friends, I never felt worthy and always found myself pushing people away, I'd never actually ask people to spend time with me, to hang out because I'm scared they wouldn't want to.
The first club style night out was at a place called Biggies. It was in London and such a great place, everyone talking, dancing and really having fun. Getting chatted up was an odd experience for me, I had never before been to such a place where someone found me attractive. I still to this day do not understand what these men liked about me, but I was just happy and taken aback that I was treated normally.
Nights out when I was younger were completely different, I was friends with pretty thin girls who every boy fawned over, I was the fat comfortable friend that the boys would talk to so they could get to know my friends. I was stared at and made fun of at the places we would go to drink. Even now I still don't know if they knew what others said, if they heard it, but I did. "What the hell is she doing in here?". "Omg you're huge". "HAHA fatty" and so much more. I guess that is what stopped me going out and going to college, I had no one to talk to, no one to understand how I felt. But these people and these places made me feel normal, average.
Over the years I went as often as I could, but as my weight piled on and my health got worse, I found it progressively more difficult. Losing contact with some amazing people hurt, I would talk to them on the internet, but it wasn't the same - I could no longer dance the night away with my friends.
Since having weight loss surgery I have been able to go a few times, but very rarely as nights out now leave me in pain for days afterwards. I do enjoy the nights out when they happen, but now I can no longer dance with people and socialising is even more daunting for me, I remember the days where I would walk into a venue and know 90% of the people there. But these days I hardly know anyone, I am just so lucky and thankful that there are still some of the amazing beautiful faces I have known for many years. But my body will not let me be who I am and who I wish to be. So I am stuck, hoping to be brave enough to make new friends and have the bond others do at these places. I just wish I could go more and have as much fun as I used to!

Losing my Benny

A week ago today was the worst day of my life so far, I have never felt such pain and loss ever. I never knew losing my beloved dog Ben would happen so quick.
On Saturday he kissed me goodbye as he always did even if I was only away for 5 minutes, but I was off on holiday for a week. In the early hours of Sunday morning my step daughter texted me to say his tummy was upset - she'd phoned the vet and he'd said it sounded like a tummy bug and to keep an eye on him.
After a lovely day out on Monday I was called with the news that Ben was dying. We packed the hotel room so quickly. I have never moved so fast - I needed to be with my baby boy.
I remember the first time I ever saw him, I had wanted a dog all my life and eventually I had the chance to seek out my perfect friend. As soon as I saw him, a little ball of fur snuggled up to his mum I fell completely in love with him. He slowly walked towards me and I picked him up and knew he was going to be the love of my life. A few days later I picked him up and he was for 14 and a half years my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life. I do not think I could love anything or anyone anymore than Ben. He was my reason for living, I told him all of my secrets and when I had no friends he was always there. Andrew knew he came with the package when he met me, he was my son.
I recall the holidays we went on together, the fun and cuddles we shared, the times when I was crying he made me smile again. Anyone who ever met him fell in love with him, his beautiful face and smile. His wonderfully soft fur, to me he was and always will be the perfect dog,
The older he got the more issues he had - he had problems with his back legs, but would still do whatever he wanted to do, I bought him harnesses just in case for the future, wheels for if he needed them for a walk. But he refused to give in.
He loved his walks, his fuss and playing. Even when he got older he still had his puppy moments. Woofing at you for daring to stop giving him fuss or playing with him.
Whilst driving home on Monday evening I was constantly on the phone to my step daughter, the vet and my dad. I knew I would not make it in time to say goodbye, it was his wish for me not to see him in such pain and agony, I got to say everything I ever wanted too though. I am so grateful for modern technology and the fact I could talk to him over the phone, to tell him mummy loved him and that he will always be my baby boy my Bubsy. That it was ok for him to go, that I understood and loved him.
A few minutes later my dad phoned to say he was gone. I was devastated. As I looked up from my phone and into the distance ahead, a perfect, bright, wide rainbow appeared despite the fact there'd been no rain, it was like a sign from him. From that moment until we got close to the vets I felt nothing, I was numb. Then, as we drew nearer my heart felt like it was being ripped out. Finally we arrived and I went into the treatment room to see him. He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping, but I have never before wished so hard for something - for him to take a breath or for this to be just a terrible dream. I kissed him and told him I would see him again one day.
That evening as we lay in bed, with Ruby, our other dog asleep and snoring beside the bed, both myself and my husband heard Ben's unmistakable "woof". I swear if my husband had not heard it I would have thought I was going crazy. He was reminding me he's still here with me and I knew from that moment he always would be!

To some people he would have just been a dog, but to me he will always be my baby boy. I will see him again one day and every day until then he will be at my side. I love you Benny xxx