Being a Feedee

So after seeing a lady in the news this week wishes to become the heaviest woman ever, I thought I would put out there how I feel about it.
I was 48 stone 2lbs at my heaviest and at 6ft tall - I was lucky I could still walk, but the damage I did to my body via pain was and still is an ongoing issue. Before I got to 40 stone I could still walk around a supermarket, I was rather healthy compared to how people think I looked. But then when I put on that extra 8 plus stone everything changed.
I have no idea what it is to be thin, I was - literally - born overweight at 10lbs 9oz, I was always the chubby child who got fatter and fatter as time went on, primarily due to comfort eating as a response to all of the negative actions and verbal abuse I received. But I have never ever wished to become fatter, since the age of 8 I always wanted to be thinner, to be like the other children. But no matter how hard I tried it never happened.
Yes when I was in my early 20's I learnt to like myself, probably because of the BBW scene of which I became a part, but I never really loved who I was. I still don't really.
Until I was around other fat people and saw how much they loved themselves, I didn't think it was even possible to actually like myself. But I never thought about being a feedee, I was always asked how I put on weight, how I managed to get to such an apparently glorious size by feeders, but all I could ever say was that it just came about naturally really. I have always found food as a comfort, but I never found it as something sexual, or even something I would use to gain weight. But I can still understand why they love food so much. The control it can have over you can make you weaker still.
As for this lady and others who desire to be fatter, what they do with their own body is their choice and theirs alone. Just like if anyone wishes to get a tattoo, a piercing or even lose weight. But before you do any of those things, the one thing you should always remember is health. Yes this lady may wish to be waited on hand and food, she may wish to get so big she cannot leave the house, but is that really living? To her it might be! We have no right to tell someone else how to live or what to do with their own body. I know many people will disagree, but, as one person's right to disagree with me (or anyone else) is their choice, so it is the choice of others to live as they see fit.
We are fortunate to have freedom of speech, But with that freedom should also come responsibility and the understanding that sometimes we will not agree with others.

Asos Dresses

I have been ordering too many clothes of late, Trawling through most of the well known sites, finding so many dresses and tops I would love to wear, but know I won't. Why you must think? Well because I am not only a size 28, but I am also 6 feet tall. Along with that I have huge upper arms, around 30 inches at the widest part, so I hide them all the time. They never see the fresh air unless I'm having a shower. But in clothes they are at all times to be well hidden.
You may think these things are easily done with the huge range of Plus Size clothes. Thankfully I no longer have just two options like I did in the 90's, which were a very old fashioned Evans and fat man clothing shops, which were few and far between. Also the only things I could ever manage to fit into were jeans and some kind of top. Evans of course had dresses and skirts but they were never long enough. They were also usually a lovely pattern that even my Nan would have thought twice about!
Thankfully here in 2016 there are a lot more plus size stores especially online. So I had a trawl through them and found a number of super 'fat arm friendly' dresses in various materials. I have found my style has gone towards leggings with a dress. You possibly might wonder why I would I would use a dress as a long top or tunic, but a long top or tunic on me is much too short. I would easily wear one of those as a top with a long skirt (that is if I could find a skirt long enough) damn my long torso!
So I came across a couple of dresses on asos.com - the first being a lovely long black stretch dress with small flowers:

This dress was so comfy and easy to wear, I loved the length. The one downfall for both items is that I had to sew the wrap the top together to prevent my bra being on show to all and sundry. I can imagine if you used tit tape or had less boobage than me (pretty much nothing) then you might get away with it. The other issue with this comfy dress is the rolled hem, which is pretty but see the white line at the bottom of the dress - that's the underside of the fabric showing. 

My second dress, in navy blue, was shorter and came with a very long band tie. It was lovely to wear although I was (as always) worried about my arms. It's not that they don't fit, but that the sleeves are not quite long enough for me. I could not really see the point of the long tie belt either, I'm sure it looked fine from the back, but I don't think it added much to the overall look of the dress. 

 I shall definitely be looking out for more asos.com items - not only are they very stretchy and comfy, but the price is really great! I do though wish they would use bigger models for their Curve Plus size range - it would make it much easier to realise what those items would look like on me! Please check them out and maybe take the plunge like I did and no doubt shall be again! 

My weight journey so far

I thought I would start blogging to not only help myself, but possibly help others who are or have been in my situation at some point.
In February 2014 I was 48 stone and 2 lbs. The highest weight I ever was was not only shocking but literally life threatening. My existence was basically confined to my house. I had pushed myself and my body beyond its limits, causing disability and tremendous pain.
I'd been told since the age of 8 to lose weight, but was stuck in a cycle of trying, failing and feeling useless - all I wanted to be an average child, to not stand out. It was then at 20 years old I made the decision to *ask* for help as opposed to simply hearing people tell me to lose weight. I was told that weight loss surgery was the only way. Until then, the only 'help' I'd received was having (usually well-meaning) people tell me to lose weight but offering no practical advice other than 'eat less' and 'exercise more' - both of which are factually correct but fail to take any of the many other issues into account. It's never that simple, we all have our own way and issues. Alas for over 13 years I received none of the help I desperately needed.
Then in late 2014 I got the most amazing help. Thanks to Blink film productions and Channel 4 television I was given a Gastric sleeve procedure. At that point I was over 46 stone. Thanks to 4 weeks on an 800 calorie pre-op diet I got down to 42 stone, the lowest weight I had been in 2 years. But the years of carrying so much excess weight had already taken an irreversible toll on my joints and muscles. For the two years immediately post-op I tried my best to eat what I should, to try and keep the cravings of sugar down to a minimum and got down to a weight of around 34 stone.
Then in May 2016 I was given a second life line of a Mini Gastric Bypass, I have since had a few issues - in the first few months I could hardly keep liquid down and was throwing up after every drink, my hair falling out more and more. I knew something was wrong. Exploratory surgery discovered major scarring on the join between the bottom of my sleeve and my intestines, So after two months of being sick every time something went into my stomach I was booked in to have an operation to sort this issue.
At the moment I am 31 stone 2 lbs around a size 26/28. It has been a long road but I still have a long way to go and it has been a hard few years. People think weight loss surgery is the easy way out but it is so much harder than many think - hair thinning, vitamin and nutrient deficiency, being sick after eating, having complications and never really enjoying sitting down to a meal. I still crave sweet foods which is difficult and food for me now is not something I can enjoy - it's now a chore. There are many positive and negative points to having the surgeries, but now I can see a distant light shining at the end of a very long tunnel, I still have severe mobility issues and am in constant pain, but am hoping with physiotherapy I will gradually become able to do simple, daily things most people take for granted.

Above February 2014 at 48 stone and below

Late 2015 at around 36 stone