Ok so we all know about the Snow Whites, Cinderellas and various films of this (well, a version of this) world which seem designed to pull us down and tell us that we will never be perfect, nor will we ever get our fairytale ending. I mean what girl is nearly killed by her stepmother, then is rescued and falls in love with her prince? Not only that, the animals around her clean the house and cheer her up when she's down. The lowly housemaid, mentally abused by her extended family, one day finds a prince who accepts the reality of who she is and how she is.
Me? I knew straight off these things would never happen, not because it's an unrealistic view of the world, or that those princes are rare if not non-existent. What told me that I was never destined for the life Cinderella finally found was that Cinderella, Snow White and her ilk were always slim and beautiful. I wasn't slim and as far as I was concerned, neither was I beautiful.
No matter who I liked when I was younger I learned to lie about it. I never revealed who I truly fancied. I couldn't trust anyone to keep their mouth shut - someone would think it'd be clever to spread the 'news' and the poor lad would be ridiculed because the fatty liked him. I usually just went along with suggestions made by other girls as to who I might like.
But then in my middle teens, two weekends apart, two films came on the TV - both by coincidence starring Ricki Lake - Baby Cakes and Hairspray. Two films where the lead character was plump and happy being so. This to me was a new concept, but gave me for once in my life hope that someone might actually like me.
I always had issues, not only with my confidence, looks and size, but in that I genuinely hated myself. It wasn't until I was in my 20s that I found *me*, the person I truly was. Until that point I had been trying to be someone else, to fit in with others' expectations. I am now someone who still doesn't much like how she looks or how she dresses, but I am more settled in who I am, in what my personality is. I am now *me*!
But then again tonight while watching Netflix, I came across Sierra Burgess is a loser. The chubby girl who hates how she looks but knows who she is and tries to remain true to her caring nature, then falls for a guy who is, according to social convention and therefore her friends, out of her league. While the film itself is not too bad and is trying to send a positive message of acceptance and strength of character to impressionable teens, I need them to all know this: Your prince charming probably won't come in a package which fits the commonly accepted definition of "hot". But it doesn't matter - what matters is that you find a person who loves you for who you are, not what you look like. And you should do the same - find a partner who makes you laugh, smile, and thinks about you when you're not there.
Films are all well and good as stories and sometimes lessons in ideal morality, but unlike most films, in real life not all amazing things come in perfect packages.
Saturday 13 October 2018
Wednesday 1 August 2018
Children
If you are a woman you are normally expected to have a child. I know many women out there are very happy to never have one. They do not feel an urge to become pregnant, give birth or look after a child full time. This does not mean that they do not like children, they just have no desire to have a child in their life.
Then there are the women who feel conflicted, they don't want a child, but feel that they are expected to have one. I have no idea what decision they come to, if they have a child do they regret it all their life, or do they then realize that it was something they had always wanted. Do they give it up for adoption? I wish I could have that choice.
Or maybe you are a woman who was ambivalent about having a child but when they met the partner who made them realize a child would be the best thing in the world to have to make them a whole.
You could be the woman who always knew they want to have children and got their wish no matter how hard it was to conceive, to go through miscarriages. But in the end you have a beautiful child.
I think though one of the hardest kinds of women to be is the woman who also really wanted a child but either couldn't get pregnant, or did get pregnant and lost it their in the early term or at full term, I cannot imagine being someone who has to give birth to a child you know is never going to live, to grow up. To have all that pain, but to not hear your child laugh, see it grow or feel its warmth next to your heart again.
I am the woman who cannot seem to get pregnant. People say losing weight is hard, I can confirm it is. Could I give up chocolate and cake if I had a small bundle of love for the rest of my life. YES! But the disappointment every month and the years of never having a stripe on a test makes me weak. Makes me comfort eat. Does that make me weak, probably. But yes I would give anything to be a mother, to be called mum. If I could afford for someone else to give me a child I would do it today, not even tomorrow. If I wasn't overweight I would be able to adopt. But sometimes even adoption is hard, even if you are healthy, have the funds, the restrictions of trying to be a mother is sometimes like beating against a brick wall that you cannot seem to break down.
Some say that maybe I should foster, I would love to help a child who sadly cannot be with their parents for various reasons, but would I have to give that child back? Could I give that child back? My answer is NO. That may be selfish but if you truly love and care for your own child, would you be able to just give it away? There are some amazing women out there who do this, they have a child for a couple. These women to me are damn amazing, they give me hope that maybe if I won the lotto I could have a child, be a mother.
But the next thing against me is my age, my ticking clock is telling me soon I shall be 40, soon I shall be too old to get help, to have a child, to do any of these things. Do I wish I could turn back time and hope that I got help to get pregnant earlier? Yes. But as always my weight has been against me in that. I just keep hoping and praying like the many other women out there who are in similar circumstances.
Does it ever get easier? I don't think it will, but I am guessing some day I shall have to give in and realize that if I am not pregnant or do not become a mother I shall have to concede and that it just wasn't meant to be. All I can do for now is try, try to lose more weight, try to do the right things, try to get pregnant. Until the day comes that I shall have to stop and give in. Which I know will truly break my heart.
If you like me are a woman who wishes to be a mother, I hope your dreams and wishes come true.
If you are ever thinking of being a surrogate please I hope you do, I hope you give something to someone who could never have wished for more. You will mean the world to that or those people. You will give them the best thing ever in this world.
Do I hope one day I could be one of those persons who is given the opportunity to have a child? Do I really need to give you the answer to that?
Then there are the women who feel conflicted, they don't want a child, but feel that they are expected to have one. I have no idea what decision they come to, if they have a child do they regret it all their life, or do they then realize that it was something they had always wanted. Do they give it up for adoption? I wish I could have that choice.
Or maybe you are a woman who was ambivalent about having a child but when they met the partner who made them realize a child would be the best thing in the world to have to make them a whole.
You could be the woman who always knew they want to have children and got their wish no matter how hard it was to conceive, to go through miscarriages. But in the end you have a beautiful child.
I think though one of the hardest kinds of women to be is the woman who also really wanted a child but either couldn't get pregnant, or did get pregnant and lost it their in the early term or at full term, I cannot imagine being someone who has to give birth to a child you know is never going to live, to grow up. To have all that pain, but to not hear your child laugh, see it grow or feel its warmth next to your heart again.
I am the woman who cannot seem to get pregnant. People say losing weight is hard, I can confirm it is. Could I give up chocolate and cake if I had a small bundle of love for the rest of my life. YES! But the disappointment every month and the years of never having a stripe on a test makes me weak. Makes me comfort eat. Does that make me weak, probably. But yes I would give anything to be a mother, to be called mum. If I could afford for someone else to give me a child I would do it today, not even tomorrow. If I wasn't overweight I would be able to adopt. But sometimes even adoption is hard, even if you are healthy, have the funds, the restrictions of trying to be a mother is sometimes like beating against a brick wall that you cannot seem to break down.
Some say that maybe I should foster, I would love to help a child who sadly cannot be with their parents for various reasons, but would I have to give that child back? Could I give that child back? My answer is NO. That may be selfish but if you truly love and care for your own child, would you be able to just give it away? There are some amazing women out there who do this, they have a child for a couple. These women to me are damn amazing, they give me hope that maybe if I won the lotto I could have a child, be a mother.
But the next thing against me is my age, my ticking clock is telling me soon I shall be 40, soon I shall be too old to get help, to have a child, to do any of these things. Do I wish I could turn back time and hope that I got help to get pregnant earlier? Yes. But as always my weight has been against me in that. I just keep hoping and praying like the many other women out there who are in similar circumstances.
Does it ever get easier? I don't think it will, but I am guessing some day I shall have to give in and realize that if I am not pregnant or do not become a mother I shall have to concede and that it just wasn't meant to be. All I can do for now is try, try to lose more weight, try to do the right things, try to get pregnant. Until the day comes that I shall have to stop and give in. Which I know will truly break my heart.
If you like me are a woman who wishes to be a mother, I hope your dreams and wishes come true.
If you are ever thinking of being a surrogate please I hope you do, I hope you give something to someone who could never have wished for more. You will mean the world to that or those people. You will give them the best thing ever in this world.
Do I hope one day I could be one of those persons who is given the opportunity to have a child? Do I really need to give you the answer to that?
Thursday 12 July 2018
Clothes shopping list
I am an avid fan of online shopping, not only do I prefer it to going to a shop where you have to deal with other people, but there is a much wider range of plus size clothing. Here is a list of some of the sites I use.
New Look 18 - 32
Very 12 - 32
Matalan 18 - 28
Simply be 12 - 36
Evans 14 - 32
Fashion World 12 - 36
Yours Clothing 14 - 36
Lovedrobe 14 - 32
Pink Clove 14 - 24
Marisota 12 - 34
M & Co 12 - 32
Fatphrocks 14 - 28
BBW Couture 14 - 28
Bonprix 14 - 32
Scarlett and Jo 10 - 32
H&M 18 - 30
Dorothy Perkins. 16 - 28
Navabi 16 - 32
Less than 10 pounds 14 - 30
Zalando 16 - 28
Asos 14 - 34
Ivans clothing 14 - 36
Love fashion 12 - 32
Ullapopken 16 - 42
Wearall 16 - 32
Marks and Spencer 18 - 30
Junarose 12 - 28
Next 12 - 26
Plus Size Lagenlook 16 - 32
Crazy Clearance 12 - 34
Everything 5 Pounds 14 - 32
Just curvy 12 - 26
Laredoute 14 - 32
House of Fraser 14 - 26
Vidamoda 14 - 28
BooHoo 12 - 28
Apples and Pears 18 -32
Izabel 16 - 28
Elvi 12 - 28
River Island 18 - 28
In The Style 12 - 28
Lady V London 12 - 32
Although there are a lot more online fashion retailers out there that have plus size options, I have tried to only show the ones that go up to a 28 or above.
Retail name Sizes
Curvissa 14 - 32
New Look 18 - 32
Very 12 - 32
Matalan 18 - 28
Simply be 12 - 36
Evans 14 - 32
Fashion World 12 - 36
Yours Clothing 14 - 36
Lovedrobe 14 - 32
Pink Clove 14 - 24
Marisota 12 - 34
M & Co 12 - 32
Fatphrocks 14 - 28
BBW Couture 14 - 28
Bonprix 14 - 32
Scarlett and Jo 10 - 32
H&M 18 - 30
Dorothy Perkins. 16 - 28
Navabi 16 - 32
Less than 10 pounds 14 - 30
Zalando 16 - 28
Asos 14 - 34
Ivans clothing 14 - 36
Love fashion 12 - 32
Ullapopken 16 - 42
Wearall 16 - 32
Marks and Spencer 18 - 30
Junarose 12 - 28
Next 12 - 26
Plus Size Lagenlook 16 - 32
Crazy Clearance 12 - 34
Everything 5 Pounds 14 - 32
Just curvy 12 - 26
Laredoute 14 - 32
House of Fraser 14 - 26
Vidamoda 14 - 28
BooHoo 12 - 28
Apples and Pears 18 -32
Izabel 16 - 28
Elvi 12 - 28
River Island 18 - 28
In The Style 12 - 28
Lady V London 12 - 32
Although there are a lot more online fashion retailers out there that have plus size options, I have tried to only show the ones that go up to a 28 or above.
Wednesday 11 July 2018
My parents
I have been meaning for so long to write this, but I am not sure I have the right words to do them justice.
From my earliest memory my parents have always been the ones who have never put me down, never asked anything of me, they have always just wanted me to be happy.
I've always known I can talk to my parents, but I never really learned to until I got into my mid to late 20's. I guess I didn't know how to tell them what was going on, I couldn't make sense of it myself so how would I explain it to them?
My father is like my right arm, I would be totally lost without him, since I was a little girl he's always been fighting my corner. Yes I probably was spoilt but what little girl isn't? Although I never saw my father much week to week as he was so hard working. He would get up at 6am and go to work but then come home and go out again to do more work. The weekends were no exception - he would be working morning until evening, but he did all of this for us, never for himself. Looking back, the thing I remember most fondly is when I used to get to go out in an evening with him when he'd be called out to a job and I got to ride along. It was the best few hours of my week or month. As I grew older I got to go out with him more, meeting his friends and colleagues.
I also remember our holidays - we had a touring caravan. I hated being in that damn thing but spending time with my dad and mum was the best thing and worth the wait.
But the worst time for me and my dad was when I was 13 or 14, he suddenly was not the strong man I knew but the man I wanted to protect, to make better. But I couldn't do anything but be there for him. For months and years my dad had to sleep on his front to try to save his eyesight. From here it seemed to get worse, not only did he lose his sight in one eye, but it went into months of hearing my father crying in pain down stairs, I can remember sitting awake upstairs at night hearing him. It was the first time I had ever heard the strongest man I knew cry. But hearing him cry did not make him less of a man or dad, it made me love him more. This only got worse by him losing his mum - she was his rock. I think that day was probably the worst day in my father's life. All I have ever done is try to be there for my father. I remember sitting with him while he was lying on his stomach listening to music and talking. Just spending time with my dad no matter the way or how it came about was everything to me and still is.
My mother and I have had a rocky relationship in the past, we clashed a lot when I was a child and carried on into my teenage years but looking back now I can see it was probably more to do with me not being able to tell my mum how I felt, how I needed her help, how I have no idea what was going on in my life. But no matter how much I screamed at my mum, cried, slammed doors, she never turned her back, she never gave up on me. She was always supportive of me. At the time I felt alone like she wasn't in my corner, but now looking back I can remember the flashes of times she was, there were so many of those times, but back then I couldn't see them through the fog and haze of my own life. My mum is the sweetest woman you can ever meet, she is so kind, quiet, loving and caring, but she lacks confidence and self reassurance. I wish I could see her back then as I see her now.
She is stronger than she knows, she did everything around the house, looked after myself and my brother. Worked and never complained. She just kept going, kept working herself as much as my father but for no wages, just for the love of us. One thing most people don't know about my mum is that she has an amazing memory and such wide knowledge, She is so damn smart, She thinks she is stupid, but she one of the most intelligent people I know. I just wish she knew it too.
My parents are my best friends, they are still there for me no matter what, if I ever lost them I am not sure I could cope. If I could give anything I would have them with me for as long as I am alive. If I have anything worrying me the first people I speak to are my mum and dad, I know it should probably be my husband, but they know exactly what to say, how to fix it and how to reassure me. Andrew tries his best when these things happen, but Andrew will even tell you that he bows to my parents experience. I am so lucky that even my husband loves and respects my parents. I am not sure how I could cope if my parents and my husband didn't get along.
I can see both my parents' traits in myself, I can see my dad's cheeky nature but I can also see my mum's quiet caring side. I may not look much like either of them, but I am so like them both equally and I am proud to shout out to anyone how much they mean to me!
From my earliest memory my parents have always been the ones who have never put me down, never asked anything of me, they have always just wanted me to be happy.
I've always known I can talk to my parents, but I never really learned to until I got into my mid to late 20's. I guess I didn't know how to tell them what was going on, I couldn't make sense of it myself so how would I explain it to them?
My father is like my right arm, I would be totally lost without him, since I was a little girl he's always been fighting my corner. Yes I probably was spoilt but what little girl isn't? Although I never saw my father much week to week as he was so hard working. He would get up at 6am and go to work but then come home and go out again to do more work. The weekends were no exception - he would be working morning until evening, but he did all of this for us, never for himself. Looking back, the thing I remember most fondly is when I used to get to go out in an evening with him when he'd be called out to a job and I got to ride along. It was the best few hours of my week or month. As I grew older I got to go out with him more, meeting his friends and colleagues.
I also remember our holidays - we had a touring caravan. I hated being in that damn thing but spending time with my dad and mum was the best thing and worth the wait.
But the worst time for me and my dad was when I was 13 or 14, he suddenly was not the strong man I knew but the man I wanted to protect, to make better. But I couldn't do anything but be there for him. For months and years my dad had to sleep on his front to try to save his eyesight. From here it seemed to get worse, not only did he lose his sight in one eye, but it went into months of hearing my father crying in pain down stairs, I can remember sitting awake upstairs at night hearing him. It was the first time I had ever heard the strongest man I knew cry. But hearing him cry did not make him less of a man or dad, it made me love him more. This only got worse by him losing his mum - she was his rock. I think that day was probably the worst day in my father's life. All I have ever done is try to be there for my father. I remember sitting with him while he was lying on his stomach listening to music and talking. Just spending time with my dad no matter the way or how it came about was everything to me and still is.
My mother and I have had a rocky relationship in the past, we clashed a lot when I was a child and carried on into my teenage years but looking back now I can see it was probably more to do with me not being able to tell my mum how I felt, how I needed her help, how I have no idea what was going on in my life. But no matter how much I screamed at my mum, cried, slammed doors, she never turned her back, she never gave up on me. She was always supportive of me. At the time I felt alone like she wasn't in my corner, but now looking back I can remember the flashes of times she was, there were so many of those times, but back then I couldn't see them through the fog and haze of my own life. My mum is the sweetest woman you can ever meet, she is so kind, quiet, loving and caring, but she lacks confidence and self reassurance. I wish I could see her back then as I see her now.
She is stronger than she knows, she did everything around the house, looked after myself and my brother. Worked and never complained. She just kept going, kept working herself as much as my father but for no wages, just for the love of us. One thing most people don't know about my mum is that she has an amazing memory and such wide knowledge, She is so damn smart, She thinks she is stupid, but she one of the most intelligent people I know. I just wish she knew it too.
My parents are my best friends, they are still there for me no matter what, if I ever lost them I am not sure I could cope. If I could give anything I would have them with me for as long as I am alive. If I have anything worrying me the first people I speak to are my mum and dad, I know it should probably be my husband, but they know exactly what to say, how to fix it and how to reassure me. Andrew tries his best when these things happen, but Andrew will even tell you that he bows to my parents experience. I am so lucky that even my husband loves and respects my parents. I am not sure how I could cope if my parents and my husband didn't get along.
I can see both my parents' traits in myself, I can see my dad's cheeky nature but I can also see my mum's quiet caring side. I may not look much like either of them, but I am so like them both equally and I am proud to shout out to anyone how much they mean to me!
Saturday 23 June 2018
Protein, Protein, Protein.
When you have weight loss surgery (WLS) you have to change your diet. Your primary means of nutrition must be protein, and with a vastly reduced capacity for food, ensuring your choices are high in protein is essential. Now if you know me you will know how fussy I am with food.
I know people will look at the very narrow range of what I'll eat and wonder how I got so fat. They think people who are fat will eat everything and anything, which is by no means always the case. My life has always revolved around sweet food, so much so that rather than have a starter and main course when out for a meal, I would have quite happily had 3 desserts - not that I ever did, sadly! Even now I crave sugary foods morning, noon and night. The problem is those foods not only have a lot of sugar and fat (and therefore calories), but also aren't very high in protein.
Over the last four years I have tried many protein supplements in the form of shakes, bars and snacks. But once again my taste buds just do not like most. Various friends have recommended different ones to me but I just could not tolerate them. I have to like what I eat or bizarrely I feel sick and will heave. But I have found some that I like and will stick with for the rest of my life.
Protein Shakes
When I had my first surgery my best friend recommended Syntrax Nectar. She gave me a few samples of Chocolate Truffle, Strawberry, and Cookie but I only liked the Chocolate Truffle. I have tried other varieties of Syntrax since, including the Essence and Micellar Creme and I do like all of the chocolate ones I have tried, but I have found that if I mix two of them together they create the perfect drink for me. I love Syntrax because not only are some of them carb free, it doesn't taste too much of sweetener like some of the other products I've tried. Syntrax is expensive compared to many other products and sometimes is hard to find here in the UK, but I wouldn't be without it.
I know people will look at the very narrow range of what I'll eat and wonder how I got so fat. They think people who are fat will eat everything and anything, which is by no means always the case. My life has always revolved around sweet food, so much so that rather than have a starter and main course when out for a meal, I would have quite happily had 3 desserts - not that I ever did, sadly! Even now I crave sugary foods morning, noon and night. The problem is those foods not only have a lot of sugar and fat (and therefore calories), but also aren't very high in protein.
Over the last four years I have tried many protein supplements in the form of shakes, bars and snacks. But once again my taste buds just do not like most. Various friends have recommended different ones to me but I just could not tolerate them. I have to like what I eat or bizarrely I feel sick and will heave. But I have found some that I like and will stick with for the rest of my life.
Protein Shakes
When I had my first surgery my best friend recommended Syntrax Nectar. She gave me a few samples of Chocolate Truffle, Strawberry, and Cookie but I only liked the Chocolate Truffle. I have tried other varieties of Syntrax since, including the Essence and Micellar Creme and I do like all of the chocolate ones I have tried, but I have found that if I mix two of them together they create the perfect drink for me. I love Syntrax because not only are some of them carb free, it doesn't taste too much of sweetener like some of the other products I've tried. Syntrax is expensive compared to many other products and sometimes is hard to find here in the UK, but I wouldn't be without it.
Protein bars
I have tried many varieties of protein bar in my 4 post-operative years but most I have found not particularly appetising. But then just this year I came across the new Grenade Carb Killa. I have tried most of the flavours they do, and really love the Caramel Chaos, and the While Chocolate Cookie ones. They may be a little on the pricey side for some, but if you buy them in bulk the cost comes down.
Cereal bars
Once again I have tried so many different types. Because for me the taste is as important as the protein content, I've ended up preferring one which is slightly higher in carbs than some alternatives - you have to go for what you like. I have found a couple of Graze bars amazing for taste. My favourites are Cocoa & Vanilla Protein Flapjack, and Banana Protein Flapjack. Strangely, I don't like actual bananas, but the banana flapjacks don't have a particularly strong banana flavour.
Other sources,
I don't just eat protein bars and flapjacks! I also eat home cooked meals that I normally prepare and put in foil tins, then cook from frozen, I have found that if I cook and eat within 30 minutes I can't eat much. So for me this method works better and I can get protein into myself in a more natural form.
My favourite things to cook from frozen are:
Bolognese bake - Minced beef in a tomato sauce on the bottom, with macaroni in a cheese sauce on top.
Chicken wrapped in bacon - I take probably 2/3 of a normal size chicken breast and wrap it in bacon, then with 30 minutes left I will sometimes put a bit of bbq sauce on top to help it go down more easily.
Shepherd's pie - For this I slow roast a lamb shoulder, then cut it off the bone the leave overnihgt in the fridge to cool. Once it is cold from the fridge you can see the rest of the white fat more easily. I trim that off then whizz it up in the food processor for a few seconds, I add in finely chopped carrots, peas and gravy and top with mashed potato.
Hot Pot - I take some of the lamb that was slow cooked and chop into cubes, add carrots, peas and top with sliced boiled potatoes.
Pie - I prefer either beef which has been cubed and slow cooked for 4 hours, or chicken which I normally roast in the oven then take off the bone. I will add carrots, peas and gravy, then top with a very thin layer of pastry.
Stuffed Potato skins - Yes this is high in carbs and relatively low in protein, but some days you want carbs and this is a pretty healthy carb choice. I first of all soften/cook jacket spuds in the microwave until they're soft, then cut them in half and scoop out the potato into a bowl, to which I add bacon, light spreadable cheese and a tiny bit of milk just to help with the mashing of the potato. I then add the mix back into the potato skins and top with little grated cheese.
Sunday 17 June 2018
Big feet
I've always been tall, As I grew up, I passed my dad and brother in height and have always had big feet. While other girls were wearing the latest trend in shoes, I had to make do with men's shoes.
Back in the 90's and early 2000's women's shoes only seemed to go up to a size 7 or 8. Now you can find in some shops on the high street a size 9 and in Evans and Yours clothing, even a size 10 or 11.
I remember the first time I found Evans shoes, I felt like I could finally be a girl - I could dress like everyone else, even if only in the footwear department.
Since having weight loss surgery, my feet have shrunk - not in length but in width. Luckily, thanks to the amazing internet I found a great website called Pretty Big Shoes which has links to lots of sites in the UK, Europe, USA and Australia.
Buying larger shoes usually involved paying a higher price. Until, that is, I discovered that one of the sites from whom I buy clothes also sells shoes up to size 10 in normal widths. That site is Curvissa. I have known about Curvissa for a few years now but had never even considered looking at their shoe range as I simply assumed they would sell only up the the dreaded size 9. So I ordered some of their shoes - I couldn't wait to try them. At the same time though, I was also nervous as sometimes in shoes as in clothing, the sizes can be a bit 'off' and a size 10 turns out to be anything but a size 10. When they arrived I couldn't wait to try them on and my fears were proved baseless - they all fitted perfectly. For the first time in my adult life, I have six pairs of pretty shoes that actually fit my feet. They are so comfy and are a price that won't put a huge dent in your bank account.
I would also suggest you look at the Pretty Big Shoes page mentioned above and try some of the sites they recommend. If you are looking for nice shoes in above average sizes, they may just have what you're dreaming of.
Back in the 90's and early 2000's women's shoes only seemed to go up to a size 7 or 8. Now you can find in some shops on the high street a size 9 and in Evans and Yours clothing, even a size 10 or 11.
I remember the first time I found Evans shoes, I felt like I could finally be a girl - I could dress like everyone else, even if only in the footwear department.
Since having weight loss surgery, my feet have shrunk - not in length but in width. Luckily, thanks to the amazing internet I found a great website called Pretty Big Shoes which has links to lots of sites in the UK, Europe, USA and Australia.
Buying larger shoes usually involved paying a higher price. Until, that is, I discovered that one of the sites from whom I buy clothes also sells shoes up to size 10 in normal widths. That site is Curvissa. I have known about Curvissa for a few years now but had never even considered looking at their shoe range as I simply assumed they would sell only up the the dreaded size 9. So I ordered some of their shoes - I couldn't wait to try them. At the same time though, I was also nervous as sometimes in shoes as in clothing, the sizes can be a bit 'off' and a size 10 turns out to be anything but a size 10. When they arrived I couldn't wait to try them on and my fears were proved baseless - they all fitted perfectly. For the first time in my adult life, I have six pairs of pretty shoes that actually fit my feet. They are so comfy and are a price that won't put a huge dent in your bank account.
I would also suggest you look at the Pretty Big Shoes page mentioned above and try some of the sites they recommend. If you are looking for nice shoes in above average sizes, they may just have what you're dreaming of.
Friday 15 June 2018
Depression isn't all it's cracked up to be
Since I can remember I have always harboured thoughts that I am useless, fat, disgusting and many other things. Where did these thoughts come from? I am guessing they stem from me hearing other people's opinions of me. Some family members were never particularly nice to me growing up. My parents were always the ones who tried to protect me and love me, and they did love me for who I was, who I am and what I looked like. They only ever tried their best for me. But sadly there were occasions when they didn't hear the other people say these demeaning things to me. No matter how much my parents told me I was loved, lovely and worthy of anything, the other voices were stronger.
Then it started to get worse, more people joined in the tiresome noises in my head - my peers, doctors, people who I did not know and who did not know me, Of course there were the normal "it's such a shame, you would be so much prettier if you lost the weight" to the "you are fat - you can't join in with us", which over the years as I grew and went onto high school, college, the work place only got worse, as did my weight. The louder the voices in my head became, the more I would try to eat and push back those noises, and the worse things got. Back then I was a teenager, and obesity and bullying were not as talked about as they are now.
It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that a doctor finally asked the big question - "How are YOU?" those 3 little words were something I had never been asked before. But they unleashed a tsunami of feelings that food had always repressed. She decided to put me on antidepressants and suggested I see a counsellor. To be honest, I'd have given anything to rid myself of these voices.
So that was the first of many conversations I'd have with people over the years on how to deal with my demons.
Over the past 15 years I have seen many different people who have tried to help me, but none of it has really stuck. I have tried many techniques from meditation, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But none of it has ever really helped.
No matter what questions I asked I could not get the answers I think I needed, I couldn't put these voices and painful memories into a compartment into my mind.
I know I should be stronger than these things, but I am not. Eating is still my comfort and still the thing that helps dull the pain. But still the real voices are there, they are my daily reminder that some people are cruel. I cannot even sit in a silent room - no matter what I am doing I always have the radio, the television or some kind of other voice, even to get to sleep.
I still take antidepressants and remain hopeful that one day I can find a way to learn to like myself.
Then it started to get worse, more people joined in the tiresome noises in my head - my peers, doctors, people who I did not know and who did not know me, Of course there were the normal "it's such a shame, you would be so much prettier if you lost the weight" to the "you are fat - you can't join in with us", which over the years as I grew and went onto high school, college, the work place only got worse, as did my weight. The louder the voices in my head became, the more I would try to eat and push back those noises, and the worse things got. Back then I was a teenager, and obesity and bullying were not as talked about as they are now.
It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that a doctor finally asked the big question - "How are YOU?" those 3 little words were something I had never been asked before. But they unleashed a tsunami of feelings that food had always repressed. She decided to put me on antidepressants and suggested I see a counsellor. To be honest, I'd have given anything to rid myself of these voices.
So that was the first of many conversations I'd have with people over the years on how to deal with my demons.
Over the past 15 years I have seen many different people who have tried to help me, but none of it has really stuck. I have tried many techniques from meditation, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But none of it has ever really helped.
No matter what questions I asked I could not get the answers I think I needed, I couldn't put these voices and painful memories into a compartment into my mind.
I know I should be stronger than these things, but I am not. Eating is still my comfort and still the thing that helps dull the pain. But still the real voices are there, they are my daily reminder that some people are cruel. I cannot even sit in a silent room - no matter what I am doing I always have the radio, the television or some kind of other voice, even to get to sleep.
I still take antidepressants and remain hopeful that one day I can find a way to learn to like myself.
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