Clothes shopping list

I am an avid fan of online shopping, not only do I prefer it to going to a shop where you have to deal with other people, but there is a much wider range of plus size clothing. Here is a list of some of the sites I use.

Retail name                           Sizes                                  

Curvissa                               14 - 32                         

New Look                            18 - 32 

                
Very                                     12 - 32    

 
Matalan                               18 - 28

Simply be                            12 - 36

Evans                                   14 - 32

Fashion World                     12 - 36

Yours Clothing                    14 - 36

Lovedrobe                           14 - 32

Pink Clove                          14 - 24

Marisota                              12 - 34

M & Co                               12 - 32 

Fatphrocks                           14 - 28

BBW Couture                      14 - 28

Bonprix                                14 - 32

Scarlett and Jo                     10 - 32

H&M                                    18 - 30

Dorothy Perkins.                  16 - 28

Navabi                                  16 - 32

Less than 10 pounds             14 - 30

Zalando                                 16 - 28

Asos                                      14 - 34

Ivans clothing                       14 - 36

Love fashion                         12 - 32

Ullapopken                            16 - 42

Wearall                                  16 - 32

Marks and Spencer                18 - 30

Junarose                                 12 - 28

Next                                        12 - 26

Plus Size Lagenlook               16 - 32

Crazy Clearance                     12 - 34

Everything 5 Pounds              14 - 32

Just curvy                               12 - 26

Laredoute                                14 - 32

House of Fraser                       14 - 26

Vidamoda                                14 - 28

BooHoo                                   12 - 28

Apples and Pears                     18 -32

Izabel                                       16 - 28

Elvi                                          12 - 28

River Island                             18 - 28

In The Style                             12 - 28 

Lady V London                        12 - 32

Although there are a lot more online fashion retailers out there that have plus size options, I have tried to only show the ones that go up to a 28 or above.

My parents

I have been meaning for so long to write this, but I am not sure I have the right words to do them justice.
From my earliest memory my parents have always been the ones who have never put me down, never asked anything of me, they have always just wanted me to be happy.
I've always known I can talk to my parents, but I never really learned to until I got into my mid to late 20's. I guess I didn't know how to tell them what was going on, I couldn't make sense of it myself so how would I explain it to them?
My father is like my right arm, I would be totally lost without him, since I was a little girl he's always been fighting my corner. Yes I probably was spoilt but what little girl isn't? Although I never saw my father much week to week as he was so hard working. He would get up at 6am and go to work but then come home and go out again to do more work. The weekends were no exception - he would be working morning until evening, but he did all of this for us, never for himself. Looking back, the thing I remember most fondly is when I used to get to go out in an evening with him when he'd be called out to a job and I got to ride along. It was the best few hours of my week or month. As I grew older I got to go out with him more, meeting his friends and colleagues.
I also remember our holidays - we had a touring caravan. I hated being in that damn thing but spending time with my dad and mum was the best thing and worth the wait.
But the worst time for me and my dad was when I was 13 or 14, he suddenly was not the strong man I knew but the man I wanted to protect, to make better. But I couldn't do anything but be there for him. For months and years my dad had to sleep on his front to try to save his eyesight. From here it seemed to get worse, not only did he lose his sight in one eye, but it went into months of hearing my father crying in pain down stairs, I can remember sitting awake upstairs at night hearing him. It was the first time I had ever heard the strongest man I knew cry. But hearing him cry did not make him less of a man or dad, it made me love him more. This only got worse by him losing his mum - she was his rock. I think that day was probably the worst day in my father's life. All I have ever done is try to be there for my father. I remember sitting with him while he was lying on his stomach listening to music and talking. Just spending time with my dad no matter the way or how it came about was everything to me and still is.

My mother and I have had a rocky relationship in the past, we clashed a lot when I was a child and carried on into my teenage years but looking back now I can see it was probably more to do with me not being able to tell my mum how I felt, how I needed her help, how I have no idea what was going on in my life. But no matter how much I screamed at my mum, cried, slammed doors, she never turned her back, she never gave up on me. She was always supportive of me. At the time I felt alone like she wasn't in my corner, but now looking back I can remember the flashes of times she was, there were so many of those times, but back then I couldn't see them through the fog and haze of my own life. My mum is the sweetest woman you can ever meet, she is so kind, quiet, loving and caring, but she lacks confidence and self reassurance. I wish I could see her back then as I see her now.
She is stronger than she knows, she did everything around the house, looked after myself and my brother. Worked and never complained. She just kept going, kept working herself as much as my father but for no wages, just for the love of us. One thing most people don't know about my mum is that she has an amazing memory and such wide knowledge, She is so damn smart, She thinks she is stupid, but she one of the most intelligent people I know. I just wish she knew it too.

My parents are my best friends, they are still there for me no matter what, if I ever lost them I am not sure I could cope. If I could give anything I would have them with me for as long as I am alive. If I have anything worrying me the first people I speak to are my mum and dad, I know it should probably be my husband, but they know exactly what to say, how to fix it and how to reassure me. Andrew tries his best when these things happen, but Andrew will even tell you that he bows to my parents experience. I am so lucky that even my husband loves and respects my parents. I am not sure how I could cope if my parents and my husband didn't get along.
I can see both my parents' traits in myself, I can see my dad's cheeky nature but I can also see my mum's quiet caring side. I may not look much like either of them, but I am so like them both equally and I am proud to shout out to anyone how much they mean to me!

Protein, Protein, Protein.

When you have weight loss surgery (WLS) you have to change your diet. Your primary means of nutrition must be protein, and with a vastly reduced capacity for food, ensuring your choices are high in protein is essential. Now if you know me you will know how fussy I am with food.
I know people will look at the very narrow range of what I'll eat and wonder how I got so fat. They think people who are fat will eat everything and anything, which is by no means always the case. My life has always revolved around sweet food, so much so that rather than have a starter and main course when out for a meal, I would have quite happily had 3 desserts - not that I ever did, sadly! Even now I crave sugary foods morning, noon and night. The problem is those foods not only have a lot of sugar and fat (and therefore calories), but also aren't very high in protein.
Over the last four years I have tried many protein supplements in the form of shakes, bars and snacks. But once again my taste buds just do not like most. Various friends have recommended different ones to me but I just could not tolerate them. I have to like what I eat or bizarrely I feel sick and will heave. But I have found some that I like and will stick with for the rest of my life.

Protein Shakes
When I had my first surgery my best friend recommended Syntrax Nectar. She gave me a few samples of Chocolate Truffle, Strawberry, and Cookie but I only liked the Chocolate Truffle. I have tried other varieties of Syntrax since, including the Essence and Micellar Creme and I do like all of the chocolate ones I have tried, but I have found that if I mix two of them together they create the perfect drink for me. I love Syntrax because not only are some of them carb free, it doesn't taste too much of sweetener like some of the other products I've tried. Syntrax is expensive compared to many other products and sometimes is hard to find here in the UK, but I wouldn't be without it.

Protein bars

I have tried many varieties of protein bar in my 4 post-operative years but most I have found not particularly appetising. But then just this year I came across the new Grenade Carb Killa. I have tried most of the flavours they do, and really love the Caramel Chaos, and the While Chocolate Cookie ones. They may be a little on the pricey side for some, but if you buy them in bulk the cost comes down. 

Cereal bars

Once again I have tried so many different types. Because for me the taste is as important as the protein content, I've ended up preferring one which is slightly higher in carbs than some alternatives - you have to go for what you like. I have found a couple of Graze bars amazing for taste. My favourites are Cocoa & Vanilla Protein Flapjack, and Banana Protein Flapjack. Strangely, I don't like actual bananas, but the banana flapjacks don't have a particularly strong banana flavour.

Other sources, 

I don't just eat protein bars and flapjacks! I also eat home cooked meals that I normally prepare and put in foil tins, then cook from frozen, I have found that if I cook and eat within 30 minutes I can't eat much. So for me this method works better and I can get protein into myself in a more natural form. 

My favourite things to cook from frozen are:

Bolognese bake - Minced beef in a tomato sauce on the bottom, with macaroni in a cheese sauce on top. 

Chicken wrapped in bacon - I take probably 2/3 of a normal size chicken breast and wrap it in bacon, then with 30 minutes left I will sometimes put a bit of bbq sauce on top to help it go down more easily. 

Shepherd's pie - For this I slow roast a lamb shoulder, then cut it off the bone the leave overnihgt in the fridge to cool. Once it is cold from the fridge you can see the rest of the white fat more easily. I trim that off then whizz it up in the food processor for a few seconds, I add in finely chopped carrots, peas and gravy and top with mashed potato.

Hot Pot - I take some of the lamb that was slow cooked and chop into cubes, add carrots, peas and top with sliced boiled potatoes.

Pie - I prefer either beef which has been cubed and slow cooked for 4 hours, or chicken which I normally roast in the oven then take off the bone. I will add carrots, peas and gravy, then top with a very thin layer of pastry. 

Stuffed Potato skins - Yes this is high in carbs and relatively low in protein, but some days you want carbs and this is a pretty healthy carb choice. I first of all soften/cook jacket spuds in the microwave until they're soft, then cut them in half and scoop out the potato into a bowl, to which I add bacon, light spreadable cheese and a tiny bit of milk just to help with the mashing of the potato. I then add the mix back into the potato skins and top with little grated cheese. 

Big feet

I've always been tall, As I grew up, I passed my dad and brother in height and have always had big feet. While other girls were wearing the latest trend in shoes, I had to make do with men's shoes.

Back in the 90's and early 2000's women's shoes only seemed to go up to a size 7 or 8. Now you can find in some shops on the high street a size 9 and in Evans and Yours clothing, even a size 10 or 11.
I remember the first time I found Evans shoes, I felt like I could finally be a girl - I could dress like everyone else, even if only in the footwear department.

Since having weight loss surgery, my feet have shrunk - not in length but in width. Luckily, thanks to the amazing internet I found a great website called Pretty Big Shoes which has links to lots of sites in the UK, Europe, USA and Australia.

Buying larger shoes usually involved paying a higher price. Until, that is, I discovered that one of the sites from whom I buy clothes also sells shoes up to size 10 in normal widths. That site is Curvissa. I have known about Curvissa for a few years now but had never even considered looking at their shoe range as I simply assumed they would sell only up the the dreaded size 9. So I ordered some of their shoes - I couldn't wait to try them. At the same time though, I was also nervous as sometimes in shoes as in clothing, the sizes can be a bit 'off' and a size 10 turns out to be anything but a size 10. When they arrived I couldn't wait to try them on and my fears were proved baseless - they all fitted perfectly. For the first time in my adult life, I have six pairs of pretty shoes that actually fit my feet. They are so comfy and are a price that won't put a huge dent in your bank account.

I would also suggest you look at the Pretty Big Shoes page mentioned above and try some of the sites they recommend. If you are looking for nice shoes in above average sizes, they may just have what you're dreaming of.

Depression isn't all it's cracked up to be

Since I can remember I have always harboured thoughts that I am useless, fat, disgusting and many other things. Where did these thoughts come from? I am guessing they stem from me hearing other people's opinions of me. Some family members were never particularly nice to me growing up. My parents were always the ones who tried to protect me and love me, and they did love me for who I was, who I am and what I looked like. They only ever tried their best for me. But sadly there were occasions when they didn't hear the other people say these demeaning things to me. No matter how much my parents told me I was loved, lovely and worthy of anything, the other voices were stronger.
Then it started to get worse, more people joined in the tiresome noises in my head - my peers, doctors, people who I did not know and who did not know me, Of course there were the normal "it's such a shame, you would be so much prettier if you lost the weight" to the "you are fat - you can't join in with us", which over the years as I grew and went onto high school, college, the work place only got worse, as did my weight. The louder the voices in my head became, the more I would try to eat and push back those noises, and the worse things got. Back then I was a teenager, and obesity and bullying were not as talked about as they are now.
It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that a doctor finally asked the big question - "How are YOU?" those 3 little words were something I had never been asked before. But they unleashed a tsunami of feelings that food had always repressed. She decided to put me on antidepressants and suggested I see a counsellor. To be honest, I'd have given anything to rid myself of these voices.
So that was the first of many conversations I'd have with people over the years on how to deal with my demons.
Over the past 15 years I have seen many different people who have tried to help me, but none of it has really stuck. I have tried many techniques from meditation, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But none of it has ever really helped.
No matter what questions I asked I could not get the answers I think I needed, I couldn't put these voices and painful memories into a compartment into my mind.
I know I should be stronger than these things, but I am not. Eating is still my comfort and still the thing that helps dull the pain. But still the real voices are there, they are my daily reminder that some people are cruel. I cannot even sit in a silent room - no matter what I am doing I always have the radio, the television or some kind of other voice, even to get to sleep.
I still take antidepressants and remain hopeful that one day I can find a way to learn to like myself.

Thank you!

Following my appearance on television on the programme "Shut-ins - Britain's Fattest Woman", I would like to say thank you so much to everyone who has sent me positive messages and comments. I cannot believe the number of you who've sent me kind words and support. I know many of you have commented on my blog and I am sorry that I have not replied to you on here, but for some reason I am having issues with replying. I just hope I can do well not just for myself but to show all of you that the supposedly 'impossible' can be achieved as long as you keep at it.

Of course there have also been people who tell me I am, amongst other things, ignorant, stupid and that I did not deserve the help I got, To these people I would like to say that you have not walked in my shoes, you have no idea of my issues and what I have been through. You have only seen an hour of television which was edited down from over 2 years of footage. You have no idea of the torment you can get from how you look. The criticism you receive every day from not only people you know, but strangers, is enough to push you to the edge. They seem to think that putting you down will suddenly make you realise you are fat. I don't want to shock you haters out there, but I KNOW I am fat! Is being fat really the worst thing a person can be? Do you think abuse will somehow help towards 'curing' me of my fatness? Or do you just like being angry and rude?
I have no choice but to spend all day every day with my issues apparent for all to see. If I were an alcoholic, drug addict or used another form of abuse to rely on and make my demons go away, I would be able to appear perfectly normal nearly all of the time to those who don't know me. But sadly my comfort, my friend and the one thing I rely on has an obvious and conspicuous physical effect.
Furthermore, imagine being, say, an alcoholic and trying to kick the habit but in order to remain alive, having to take a small alcoholic drink on a regular basis. Or a smoker trying to give up their addiction whilst also having to smoke one cigarette every day to stay alive. The best way to cure an addiction is to avoid the offending substance completely - try doing that with food and see how long you last! Losing weight isn't as easy as those who've never had to do it on a life-changing scale would have you believe.
So if you're one of the haters, maybe you might one day change one of YOUR bad habits and see past the simple surface detail - you'll see that there's a real person in there somewhere.Try to engage with that person instead of falling prey to your own ignorance.

Britain's Fattest Woman My Perspective!

So with tonight's program I thought I would answer some questions that seemed to have popped up about this in the press. Plus a few things I wish to say on the subject.

I do not and would never blame the NHS for the size I got to, I do how ever think things could of been done a lot differently, especially when I was younger. But how can I blame something that helps so many people.
I was always judged and put down by most of the doctors I ever saw as a child and teenager. Even if I went to the doctors for a simple thing as tonsillitis my weight would be bought up, never with words of help or actual advice, but normally being put down, told I was disgusting and that I would probably be dead by the time I was 20.
I did go to a specialist when I was 8 years old, but that was another waste of time and effort on the part of my ever trying mother. I was weighed, height taken and he also felt my groin for what reason I still do not know. I never returned nor do I remember getting any help in any way. Do I think life would of been easier if I was an Alcoholic, a drug user or smoker, YES! All of these people get sympathy for their addiction. But they can walk down the street and no one will know what demons they are battling.

As I got older judgement and my weight got worse, I did have one doctor who asked me if I would consider surgery. At that point in my life I would of done anything to lose weight, I had no friends and I had not had a pleasant childhood when it came to how others treated me.
 I was always the fat child, the odd one out, at high school it got worse and I was teased, made to hide as best as I could from the abuse of others. I had what I thought were friends, but found that I was never sure who to trust. As I left high school and went to college things went from bad to terrible. I stuck it out for nearly a year and a half. Any time I was alone I would get berated, pushed, shoved, told to die, told I was disgusting. As soon as I could drive I thought things would get better, I could get to college as soon as my lecture was ready and get to class without seeing these people. But I could also leave as soon as they finished. This was worse, the people I classed as my friends did not understand, I could not tell them what was happening to me, how would they understand? I was so embarrassed that this was happening to me I had no words to tell people. Along with this people on the street, family and anyone who wasn't my parents put me down, all because of how I looked.
So at 21 I went to see the surgeon that I hoped would change my life, the man who I saw gave me nothing but disappointment, he did not seem to want to tell me what would happen, just that I would never eat normal food again, instead I would have a life of puree food.
From that meeting and for the next 13 years I saw a couple of surgeons who I hoped would help me, instead I would be put down, lied to and told to go away and lose an amount of weight that was impossible.
Looking back on my life I can see I have always turned to food, it has been my source of comfort when I had no one, it is my friend and my enemy, still to this day I have a love hate relationship with food. Just as with other addictions I crave sugar morning, noon and night. I am always wanting something sweet. It's a daily problem but every second of my life I have to say to myself you do not need that. If only it was that easy.

I have been happy in my life, When I was in my early 20's I found the bbw scene, I got to meet amazing women and men who made me for once in my life like myself slightly. Even though I was surrounded by plus size friends I still wanted to be thinner. Not only for the reason that I was always told I should lose weight, life would be better if I lost weight, but for me it was for my health and for the chance to one day be a mum. Since I found these amazing women who I look up to and admire I had never thought I wish to be thin, I have realised that you can be big and healthy, that health is important. You can be a size 8 or 10 and unhealthy but you can also be a size 30 and healthy, It should not matter your size it should matter that you are healthy! But for me at 48.2 stone I was not healthy or happy. I still am not, the amount of damage I have done to my body is still a day to day struggle. I just hope one day I can be back to how I was when I was in my 20's and able to run, jog and walk miles.
I miss working, I miss the social interaction and that I can support myself. I do hope one day to go back to work, I have no idea if I will get a job as my academic life is not great, but also because of my size, Sadly society and most media outlets seem to portray fat people as lazy, useless and unable to do a job.
If any of you have any questions out there please ask me, I am a very open person. I would also like to thank Channel 4 and Blink films for everything that have done for me, without them I would never of got surgery and I would probably of been dead by the time I was 40. Even though every day for me is a struggle I am always fighting! I still get lots of abuse from the person on the street and on social media. But what I have to say to those people is this! You do not know me, you have not walked in my shoes, maybe you should look at yourself a bit more, if it makes you feel better to put someone else down who is fighting a daily battle with themselves!