Depression isn't all it's cracked up to be

Since I can remember I have always harboured thoughts that I am useless, fat, disgusting and many other things. Where did these thoughts come from? I am guessing they stem from me hearing other people's opinions of me. Some family members were never particularly nice to me growing up. My parents were always the ones who tried to protect me and love me, and they did love me for who I was, who I am and what I looked like. They only ever tried their best for me. But sadly there were occasions when they didn't hear the other people say these demeaning things to me. No matter how much my parents told me I was loved, lovely and worthy of anything, the other voices were stronger.
Then it started to get worse, more people joined in the tiresome noises in my head - my peers, doctors, people who I did not know and who did not know me, Of course there were the normal "it's such a shame, you would be so much prettier if you lost the weight" to the "you are fat - you can't join in with us", which over the years as I grew and went onto high school, college, the work place only got worse, as did my weight. The louder the voices in my head became, the more I would try to eat and push back those noises, and the worse things got. Back then I was a teenager, and obesity and bullying were not as talked about as they are now.
It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that a doctor finally asked the big question - "How are YOU?" those 3 little words were something I had never been asked before. But they unleashed a tsunami of feelings that food had always repressed. She decided to put me on antidepressants and suggested I see a counsellor. To be honest, I'd have given anything to rid myself of these voices.
So that was the first of many conversations I'd have with people over the years on how to deal with my demons.
Over the past 15 years I have seen many different people who have tried to help me, but none of it has really stuck. I have tried many techniques from meditation, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But none of it has ever really helped.
No matter what questions I asked I could not get the answers I think I needed, I couldn't put these voices and painful memories into a compartment into my mind.
I know I should be stronger than these things, but I am not. Eating is still my comfort and still the thing that helps dull the pain. But still the real voices are there, they are my daily reminder that some people are cruel. I cannot even sit in a silent room - no matter what I am doing I always have the radio, the television or some kind of other voice, even to get to sleep.
I still take antidepressants and remain hopeful that one day I can find a way to learn to like myself.

Thank you!

Following my appearance on television on the programme "Shut-ins - Britain's Fattest Woman", I would like to say thank you so much to everyone who has sent me positive messages and comments. I cannot believe the number of you who've sent me kind words and support. I know many of you have commented on my blog and I am sorry that I have not replied to you on here, but for some reason I am having issues with replying. I just hope I can do well not just for myself but to show all of you that the supposedly 'impossible' can be achieved as long as you keep at it.

Of course there have also been people who tell me I am, amongst other things, ignorant, stupid and that I did not deserve the help I got, To these people I would like to say that you have not walked in my shoes, you have no idea of my issues and what I have been through. You have only seen an hour of television which was edited down from over 2 years of footage. You have no idea of the torment you can get from how you look. The criticism you receive every day from not only people you know, but strangers, is enough to push you to the edge. They seem to think that putting you down will suddenly make you realise you are fat. I don't want to shock you haters out there, but I KNOW I am fat! Is being fat really the worst thing a person can be? Do you think abuse will somehow help towards 'curing' me of my fatness? Or do you just like being angry and rude?
I have no choice but to spend all day every day with my issues apparent for all to see. If I were an alcoholic, drug addict or used another form of abuse to rely on and make my demons go away, I would be able to appear perfectly normal nearly all of the time to those who don't know me. But sadly my comfort, my friend and the one thing I rely on has an obvious and conspicuous physical effect.
Furthermore, imagine being, say, an alcoholic and trying to kick the habit but in order to remain alive, having to take a small alcoholic drink on a regular basis. Or a smoker trying to give up their addiction whilst also having to smoke one cigarette every day to stay alive. The best way to cure an addiction is to avoid the offending substance completely - try doing that with food and see how long you last! Losing weight isn't as easy as those who've never had to do it on a life-changing scale would have you believe.
So if you're one of the haters, maybe you might one day change one of YOUR bad habits and see past the simple surface detail - you'll see that there's a real person in there somewhere.Try to engage with that person instead of falling prey to your own ignorance.

Britain's Fattest Woman My Perspective!

So with tonight's program I thought I would answer some questions that seemed to have popped up about this in the press. Plus a few things I wish to say on the subject.

I do not and would never blame the NHS for the size I got to, I do how ever think things could of been done a lot differently, especially when I was younger. But how can I blame something that helps so many people.
I was always judged and put down by most of the doctors I ever saw as a child and teenager. Even if I went to the doctors for a simple thing as tonsillitis my weight would be bought up, never with words of help or actual advice, but normally being put down, told I was disgusting and that I would probably be dead by the time I was 20.
I did go to a specialist when I was 8 years old, but that was another waste of time and effort on the part of my ever trying mother. I was weighed, height taken and he also felt my groin for what reason I still do not know. I never returned nor do I remember getting any help in any way. Do I think life would of been easier if I was an Alcoholic, a drug user or smoker, YES! All of these people get sympathy for their addiction. But they can walk down the street and no one will know what demons they are battling.

As I got older judgement and my weight got worse, I did have one doctor who asked me if I would consider surgery. At that point in my life I would of done anything to lose weight, I had no friends and I had not had a pleasant childhood when it came to how others treated me.
 I was always the fat child, the odd one out, at high school it got worse and I was teased, made to hide as best as I could from the abuse of others. I had what I thought were friends, but found that I was never sure who to trust. As I left high school and went to college things went from bad to terrible. I stuck it out for nearly a year and a half. Any time I was alone I would get berated, pushed, shoved, told to die, told I was disgusting. As soon as I could drive I thought things would get better, I could get to college as soon as my lecture was ready and get to class without seeing these people. But I could also leave as soon as they finished. This was worse, the people I classed as my friends did not understand, I could not tell them what was happening to me, how would they understand? I was so embarrassed that this was happening to me I had no words to tell people. Along with this people on the street, family and anyone who wasn't my parents put me down, all because of how I looked.
So at 21 I went to see the surgeon that I hoped would change my life, the man who I saw gave me nothing but disappointment, he did not seem to want to tell me what would happen, just that I would never eat normal food again, instead I would have a life of puree food.
From that meeting and for the next 13 years I saw a couple of surgeons who I hoped would help me, instead I would be put down, lied to and told to go away and lose an amount of weight that was impossible.
Looking back on my life I can see I have always turned to food, it has been my source of comfort when I had no one, it is my friend and my enemy, still to this day I have a love hate relationship with food. Just as with other addictions I crave sugar morning, noon and night. I am always wanting something sweet. It's a daily problem but every second of my life I have to say to myself you do not need that. If only it was that easy.

I have been happy in my life, When I was in my early 20's I found the bbw scene, I got to meet amazing women and men who made me for once in my life like myself slightly. Even though I was surrounded by plus size friends I still wanted to be thinner. Not only for the reason that I was always told I should lose weight, life would be better if I lost weight, but for me it was for my health and for the chance to one day be a mum. Since I found these amazing women who I look up to and admire I had never thought I wish to be thin, I have realised that you can be big and healthy, that health is important. You can be a size 8 or 10 and unhealthy but you can also be a size 30 and healthy, It should not matter your size it should matter that you are healthy! But for me at 48.2 stone I was not healthy or happy. I still am not, the amount of damage I have done to my body is still a day to day struggle. I just hope one day I can be back to how I was when I was in my 20's and able to run, jog and walk miles.
I miss working, I miss the social interaction and that I can support myself. I do hope one day to go back to work, I have no idea if I will get a job as my academic life is not great, but also because of my size, Sadly society and most media outlets seem to portray fat people as lazy, useless and unable to do a job.
If any of you have any questions out there please ask me, I am a very open person. I would also like to thank Channel 4 and Blink films for everything that have done for me, without them I would never of got surgery and I would probably of been dead by the time I was 40. Even though every day for me is a struggle I am always fighting! I still get lots of abuse from the person on the street and on social media. But what I have to say to those people is this! You do not know me, you have not walked in my shoes, maybe you should look at yourself a bit more, if it makes you feel better to put someone else down who is fighting a daily battle with themselves!

Fatty nights out

From the age of around 23 I started going to plus size nights out. I was so scared the first time I went to one but I was surprised by the amount of lovely people I met. As I got older the nerves of going never went away. I had met some amazing people through these nights out that I felt so lucky to know people who truly accepted me for me. I was still a shy person, but that didn't matter and people still wanted to talk to me and dance with me. I would meet new people every time I went, but still had nights out with the few real friends I had. I have never been good at making friends, I never felt worthy and always found myself pushing people away, I'd never actually ask people to spend time with me, to hang out because I'm scared they wouldn't want to.
The first club style night out was at a place called Biggies. It was in London and such a great place, everyone talking, dancing and really having fun. Getting chatted up was an odd experience for me, I had never before been to such a place where someone found me attractive. I still to this day do not understand what these men liked about me, but I was just happy and taken aback that I was treated normally.
Nights out when I was younger were completely different, I was friends with pretty thin girls who every boy fawned over, I was the fat comfortable friend that the boys would talk to so they could get to know my friends. I was stared at and made fun of at the places we would go to drink. Even now I still don't know if they knew what others said, if they heard it, but I did. "What the hell is she doing in here?". "Omg you're huge". "HAHA fatty" and so much more. I guess that is what stopped me going out and going to college, I had no one to talk to, no one to understand how I felt. But these people and these places made me feel normal, average.
Over the years I went as often as I could, but as my weight piled on and my health got worse, I found it progressively more difficult. Losing contact with some amazing people hurt, I would talk to them on the internet, but it wasn't the same - I could no longer dance the night away with my friends.
Since having weight loss surgery I have been able to go a few times, but very rarely as nights out now leave me in pain for days afterwards. I do enjoy the nights out when they happen, but now I can no longer dance with people and socialising is even more daunting for me, I remember the days where I would walk into a venue and know 90% of the people there. But these days I hardly know anyone, I am just so lucky and thankful that there are still some of the amazing beautiful faces I have known for many years. But my body will not let me be who I am and who I wish to be. So I am stuck, hoping to be brave enough to make new friends and have the bond others do at these places. I just wish I could go more and have as much fun as I used to!

Losing my Benny

A week ago today was the worst day of my life so far, I have never felt such pain and loss ever. I never knew losing my beloved dog Ben would happen so quick.
On Saturday he kissed me goodbye as he always did even if I was only away for 5 minutes, but I was off on holiday for a week. In the early hours of Sunday morning my step daughter texted me to say his tummy was upset - she'd phoned the vet and he'd said it sounded like a tummy bug and to keep an eye on him.
After a lovely day out on Monday I was called with the news that Ben was dying. We packed the hotel room so quickly. I have never moved so fast - I needed to be with my baby boy.
I remember the first time I ever saw him, I had wanted a dog all my life and eventually I had the chance to seek out my perfect friend. As soon as I saw him, a little ball of fur snuggled up to his mum I fell completely in love with him. He slowly walked towards me and I picked him up and knew he was going to be the love of my life. A few days later I picked him up and he was for 14 and a half years my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life. I do not think I could love anything or anyone anymore than Ben. He was my reason for living, I told him all of my secrets and when I had no friends he was always there. Andrew knew he came with the package when he met me, he was my son.
I recall the holidays we went on together, the fun and cuddles we shared, the times when I was crying he made me smile again. Anyone who ever met him fell in love with him, his beautiful face and smile. His wonderfully soft fur, to me he was and always will be the perfect dog,
The older he got the more issues he had - he had problems with his back legs, but would still do whatever he wanted to do, I bought him harnesses just in case for the future, wheels for if he needed them for a walk. But he refused to give in.
He loved his walks, his fuss and playing. Even when he got older he still had his puppy moments. Woofing at you for daring to stop giving him fuss or playing with him.
Whilst driving home on Monday evening I was constantly on the phone to my step daughter, the vet and my dad. I knew I would not make it in time to say goodbye, it was his wish for me not to see him in such pain and agony, I got to say everything I ever wanted too though. I am so grateful for modern technology and the fact I could talk to him over the phone, to tell him mummy loved him and that he will always be my baby boy my Bubsy. That it was ok for him to go, that I understood and loved him.
A few minutes later my dad phoned to say he was gone. I was devastated. As I looked up from my phone and into the distance ahead, a perfect, bright, wide rainbow appeared despite the fact there'd been no rain, it was like a sign from him. From that moment until we got close to the vets I felt nothing, I was numb. Then, as we drew nearer my heart felt like it was being ripped out. Finally we arrived and I went into the treatment room to see him. He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping, but I have never before wished so hard for something - for him to take a breath or for this to be just a terrible dream. I kissed him and told him I would see him again one day.
That evening as we lay in bed, with Ruby, our other dog asleep and snoring beside the bed, both myself and my husband heard Ben's unmistakable "woof". I swear if my husband had not heard it I would have thought I was going crazy. He was reminding me he's still here with me and I knew from that moment he always would be!

To some people he would have just been a dog, but to me he will always be my baby boy. I will see him again one day and every day until then he will be at my side. I love you Benny xxx

My thoughts on Scarlett & Jo

I have long admired their dresses only from afar, because I find it hard to justify spending over £30 on a dress, but their sales offer great savings.
Earlier this year I managed to buy a dress from them and fell totally in love with it, so when they recently had another sale, I was quick to see what I could afford. I ordered 3 lovely dresses which came within a few days and I couldn't wait to try them on.
The first dress was a printed hanky hem dress:  http://www.scarlettandjo.com/



It is a lovely fabric and so very comfy to wear. I find the length on myself quite good, being 6ft tall it is always hard to get dresses long enough. I also ordered it in a size 22, Scarlett & Jo are very generous in their sizing as I am normally a size 26/28 these days. This Hanky Hem dress is amazing and I would recommend it to anyone who likes this style.

One of the other dresses I decided to try out was the Jacquard Fit and Flare Dress:
http://www.scarlettandjo.com




It is a very pretty dress and a lovely material, but I have found it not as comfy or stretchy as the Hanky Hem. I have massive bingo wings and find they need extra tugging and squashing to get even slightly comfy. I am very glad that I ordered it in a size 24, and for my arms I probably could have done with it a size or 2 bigger, but the body fitted amazingly and it was also a great length.

I would recommend anyone to buy from Scarlett & Jo, their clothing is very flattering, very plus size friendly and I cannot wait to try more of their clothing, especially the range for taller people.

Doctors and being fat

Since I was 8 years old I have had an unhealthy relationship with most doctors. My first bad memory was being told at 8 that I would die within a few years if I did not lose weight. From that point on it seems nearly every doctor I saw would bring up my weight, how it will affect me and that I should change. Never was I asked if I wanted to lose weight, nor was I tested to see if I was healthy even though I was obviously overweight. Whenever I saw a doctor for whatever reason - even tonsillitis, the subject of my weight became the main topic of discussion. The thought of seeing doctors would make me recoil. So much so I would try not to see doctors if I could help it.

At the age of 8 I was sent to see a specialist. He did nothing to actually help me, he just took my pulse in different parts of my body, measured me and told me to go. It was an odd meeting, to this day I have no idea what its purpose was.

I was put on various diets and consequently rarely ate what the other children did. I always felt the odd one out for various reasons, but it was most apparent when sat with other children and them asking why I did not have the same food as they all did. I did try to lose weight, although it still baffled me why I wasn't considered just one of the children. I was always a 'special case'.

Then at 20 years old it was suggested I see someone about weight loss surgery. At the time it was new to the UK, but I was told the results were promising. So with the chance of being normal on offer,  I went to see him. The appointment was a disaster, My mother and I sat and listened to the surgeon who told me that I would never be able to eat solid food again. Then his phone rang so he answered it and drifted off into an unrelated conversation. It was as though we weren't even there - we seemed nothing more than an inconvenience to him. I left the meeting feeling deflated - the thought of never being able to eat anything but puree for the rest of my life was scary.

As time went on I gained more weight and knew I had to do something, I tried various diets and carried out more research into weight loss surgery. I eventually asked to see someone else about the subject.

I saw a team in Birmingham - the first meeting was positive, they said they could help me, I knew my facts now and knew what I wanted. I was sent away and told I'd hear from them within 8 weeks and that I should try to lose some weight in the meantime.

I put my heart and soul into those 8 weeks, but I heard nothing from them. I was calling them every few days and asked my GP to try to contact them, 8 weeks turned into 8 months. By this time I had given up on the diet, I comfort ate again. Then one day, over 12 months later I received a letter asking me to attend an appointment the following week. I was so happy to get the appointment that I didn't even think about whether I had put on weight.

As it turns out I had indeed gained weight and once again the appointment was a nightmare. The bariatric surgeon told me it was 'disgusting' that I'd gained weight and also suggested I was lying when I said I hadn't heard from them for so long. At that moment I knew for sure I didn't want to be opened up and operated upon by a person who thought so little of me.

As time went on I moved house and got married. I was now living in a new area and made enquiries with my new local NHS trust, At my first appointment I was told that I'd be considered for surgery only after having lost 14 stone on my own. It goes without saying that if I were capable of losing 14 stone by diet and exercise alone, then I wouldn't need surgery at all! The NHS' Patient's Charter states that the patient has the right to request they see any suitable health professional and at any venue. With this in mind I contacted my NHS Trust and asked to see a particular consultant at a particular hospital - he had a fine reputation for dealing effectively with the very problems I presented. For reasons known only to themselves, my NHS Trust refused to transfer me, despite my iteration of The Patient's Charter and NICE guidelines (which state that in instances such as mine, immediate surgery is the preferred option).

Over the years I've been lucky enough to meet and interact with many good nurses and doctors, but their hard work and caring nature was overshadowed by the attitude of the few who I felt were intent on not helping me.

I have heard many stories from other plus size people of similar things happening to them. Why is the issue of weight always the subject of discussion at appointments, even when it's nothing to do with the reason you're there? Why do some assume that all fat people are unfit and eat rubbish all day, Honestly this is normally far from the truth. I know a lot of overweight people who are a lot fitter and eat much healthier food than some slim people I know. Is 'fat' really the worst thing a person can be? I hope one day things will change.