Fatty nights out

From the age of around 23 I started going to plus size nights out. I was so scared the first time I went to one but I was surprised by the amount of lovely people I met. As I got older the nerves of going never went away. I had met some amazing people through these nights out that I felt so lucky to know people who truly accepted me for me. I was still a shy person, but that didn't matter and people still wanted to talk to me and dance with me. I would meet new people every time I went, but still had nights out with the few real friends I had. I have never been good at making friends, I never felt worthy and always found myself pushing people away, I'd never actually ask people to spend time with me, to hang out because I'm scared they wouldn't want to.
The first club style night out was at a place called Biggies. It was in London and such a great place, everyone talking, dancing and really having fun. Getting chatted up was an odd experience for me, I had never before been to such a place where someone found me attractive. I still to this day do not understand what these men liked about me, but I was just happy and taken aback that I was treated normally.
Nights out when I was younger were completely different, I was friends with pretty thin girls who every boy fawned over, I was the fat comfortable friend that the boys would talk to so they could get to know my friends. I was stared at and made fun of at the places we would go to drink. Even now I still don't know if they knew what others said, if they heard it, but I did. "What the hell is she doing in here?". "Omg you're huge". "HAHA fatty" and so much more. I guess that is what stopped me going out and going to college, I had no one to talk to, no one to understand how I felt. But these people and these places made me feel normal, average.
Over the years I went as often as I could, but as my weight piled on and my health got worse, I found it progressively more difficult. Losing contact with some amazing people hurt, I would talk to them on the internet, but it wasn't the same - I could no longer dance the night away with my friends.
Since having weight loss surgery I have been able to go a few times, but very rarely as nights out now leave me in pain for days afterwards. I do enjoy the nights out when they happen, but now I can no longer dance with people and socialising is even more daunting for me, I remember the days where I would walk into a venue and know 90% of the people there. But these days I hardly know anyone, I am just so lucky and thankful that there are still some of the amazing beautiful faces I have known for many years. But my body will not let me be who I am and who I wish to be. So I am stuck, hoping to be brave enough to make new friends and have the bond others do at these places. I just wish I could go more and have as much fun as I used to!

Losing my Benny

A week ago today was the worst day of my life so far, I have never felt such pain and loss ever. I never knew losing my beloved dog Ben would happen so quick.
On Saturday he kissed me goodbye as he always did even if I was only away for 5 minutes, but I was off on holiday for a week. In the early hours of Sunday morning my step daughter texted me to say his tummy was upset - she'd phoned the vet and he'd said it sounded like a tummy bug and to keep an eye on him.
After a lovely day out on Monday I was called with the news that Ben was dying. We packed the hotel room so quickly. I have never moved so fast - I needed to be with my baby boy.
I remember the first time I ever saw him, I had wanted a dog all my life and eventually I had the chance to seek out my perfect friend. As soon as I saw him, a little ball of fur snuggled up to his mum I fell completely in love with him. He slowly walked towards me and I picked him up and knew he was going to be the love of my life. A few days later I picked him up and he was for 14 and a half years my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life. I do not think I could love anything or anyone anymore than Ben. He was my reason for living, I told him all of my secrets and when I had no friends he was always there. Andrew knew he came with the package when he met me, he was my son.
I recall the holidays we went on together, the fun and cuddles we shared, the times when I was crying he made me smile again. Anyone who ever met him fell in love with him, his beautiful face and smile. His wonderfully soft fur, to me he was and always will be the perfect dog,
The older he got the more issues he had - he had problems with his back legs, but would still do whatever he wanted to do, I bought him harnesses just in case for the future, wheels for if he needed them for a walk. But he refused to give in.
He loved his walks, his fuss and playing. Even when he got older he still had his puppy moments. Woofing at you for daring to stop giving him fuss or playing with him.
Whilst driving home on Monday evening I was constantly on the phone to my step daughter, the vet and my dad. I knew I would not make it in time to say goodbye, it was his wish for me not to see him in such pain and agony, I got to say everything I ever wanted too though. I am so grateful for modern technology and the fact I could talk to him over the phone, to tell him mummy loved him and that he will always be my baby boy my Bubsy. That it was ok for him to go, that I understood and loved him.
A few minutes later my dad phoned to say he was gone. I was devastated. As I looked up from my phone and into the distance ahead, a perfect, bright, wide rainbow appeared despite the fact there'd been no rain, it was like a sign from him. From that moment until we got close to the vets I felt nothing, I was numb. Then, as we drew nearer my heart felt like it was being ripped out. Finally we arrived and I went into the treatment room to see him. He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping, but I have never before wished so hard for something - for him to take a breath or for this to be just a terrible dream. I kissed him and told him I would see him again one day.
That evening as we lay in bed, with Ruby, our other dog asleep and snoring beside the bed, both myself and my husband heard Ben's unmistakable "woof". I swear if my husband had not heard it I would have thought I was going crazy. He was reminding me he's still here with me and I knew from that moment he always would be!

To some people he would have just been a dog, but to me he will always be my baby boy. I will see him again one day and every day until then he will be at my side. I love you Benny xxx

My thoughts on Scarlett & Jo

I have long admired their dresses only from afar, because I find it hard to justify spending over £30 on a dress, but their sales offer great savings.
Earlier this year I managed to buy a dress from them and fell totally in love with it, so when they recently had another sale, I was quick to see what I could afford. I ordered 3 lovely dresses which came within a few days and I couldn't wait to try them on.
The first dress was a printed hanky hem dress:  http://www.scarlettandjo.com/



It is a lovely fabric and so very comfy to wear. I find the length on myself quite good, being 6ft tall it is always hard to get dresses long enough. I also ordered it in a size 22, Scarlett & Jo are very generous in their sizing as I am normally a size 26/28 these days. This Hanky Hem dress is amazing and I would recommend it to anyone who likes this style.

One of the other dresses I decided to try out was the Jacquard Fit and Flare Dress:
http://www.scarlettandjo.com




It is a very pretty dress and a lovely material, but I have found it not as comfy or stretchy as the Hanky Hem. I have massive bingo wings and find they need extra tugging and squashing to get even slightly comfy. I am very glad that I ordered it in a size 24, and for my arms I probably could have done with it a size or 2 bigger, but the body fitted amazingly and it was also a great length.

I would recommend anyone to buy from Scarlett & Jo, their clothing is very flattering, very plus size friendly and I cannot wait to try more of their clothing, especially the range for taller people.

Doctors and being fat

Since I was 8 years old I have had an unhealthy relationship with most doctors. My first bad memory was being told at 8 that I would die within a few years if I did not lose weight. From that point on it seems nearly every doctor I saw would bring up my weight, how it will affect me and that I should change. Never was I asked if I wanted to lose weight, nor was I tested to see if I was healthy even though I was obviously overweight. Whenever I saw a doctor for whatever reason - even tonsillitis, the subject of my weight became the main topic of discussion. The thought of seeing doctors would make me recoil. So much so I would try not to see doctors if I could help it.

At the age of 8 I was sent to see a specialist. He did nothing to actually help me, he just took my pulse in different parts of my body, measured me and told me to go. It was an odd meeting, to this day I have no idea what its purpose was.

I was put on various diets and consequently rarely ate what the other children did. I always felt the odd one out for various reasons, but it was most apparent when sat with other children and them asking why I did not have the same food as they all did. I did try to lose weight, although it still baffled me why I wasn't considered just one of the children. I was always a 'special case'.

Then at 20 years old it was suggested I see someone about weight loss surgery. At the time it was new to the UK, but I was told the results were promising. So with the chance of being normal on offer,  I went to see him. The appointment was a disaster, My mother and I sat and listened to the surgeon who told me that I would never be able to eat solid food again. Then his phone rang so he answered it and drifted off into an unrelated conversation. It was as though we weren't even there - we seemed nothing more than an inconvenience to him. I left the meeting feeling deflated - the thought of never being able to eat anything but puree for the rest of my life was scary.

As time went on I gained more weight and knew I had to do something, I tried various diets and carried out more research into weight loss surgery. I eventually asked to see someone else about the subject.

I saw a team in Birmingham - the first meeting was positive, they said they could help me, I knew my facts now and knew what I wanted. I was sent away and told I'd hear from them within 8 weeks and that I should try to lose some weight in the meantime.

I put my heart and soul into those 8 weeks, but I heard nothing from them. I was calling them every few days and asked my GP to try to contact them, 8 weeks turned into 8 months. By this time I had given up on the diet, I comfort ate again. Then one day, over 12 months later I received a letter asking me to attend an appointment the following week. I was so happy to get the appointment that I didn't even think about whether I had put on weight.

As it turns out I had indeed gained weight and once again the appointment was a nightmare. The bariatric surgeon told me it was 'disgusting' that I'd gained weight and also suggested I was lying when I said I hadn't heard from them for so long. At that moment I knew for sure I didn't want to be opened up and operated upon by a person who thought so little of me.

As time went on I moved house and got married. I was now living in a new area and made enquiries with my new local NHS trust, At my first appointment I was told that I'd be considered for surgery only after having lost 14 stone on my own. It goes without saying that if I were capable of losing 14 stone by diet and exercise alone, then I wouldn't need surgery at all! The NHS' Patient's Charter states that the patient has the right to request they see any suitable health professional and at any venue. With this in mind I contacted my NHS Trust and asked to see a particular consultant at a particular hospital - he had a fine reputation for dealing effectively with the very problems I presented. For reasons known only to themselves, my NHS Trust refused to transfer me, despite my iteration of The Patient's Charter and NICE guidelines (which state that in instances such as mine, immediate surgery is the preferred option).

Over the years I've been lucky enough to meet and interact with many good nurses and doctors, but their hard work and caring nature was overshadowed by the attitude of the few who I felt were intent on not helping me.

I have heard many stories from other plus size people of similar things happening to them. Why is the issue of weight always the subject of discussion at appointments, even when it's nothing to do with the reason you're there? Why do some assume that all fat people are unfit and eat rubbish all day, Honestly this is normally far from the truth. I know a lot of overweight people who are a lot fitter and eat much healthier food than some slim people I know. Is 'fat' really the worst thing a person can be? I hope one day things will change.

Being a Feedee

So after seeing a lady in the news this week wishes to become the heaviest woman ever, I thought I would put out there how I feel about it.
I was 48 stone 2lbs at my heaviest and at 6ft tall - I was lucky I could still walk, but the damage I did to my body via pain was and still is an ongoing issue. Before I got to 40 stone I could still walk around a supermarket, I was rather healthy compared to how people think I looked. But then when I put on that extra 8 plus stone everything changed.
I have no idea what it is to be thin, I was - literally - born overweight at 10lbs 9oz, I was always the chubby child who got fatter and fatter as time went on, primarily due to comfort eating as a response to all of the negative actions and verbal abuse I received. But I have never ever wished to become fatter, since the age of 8 I always wanted to be thinner, to be like the other children. But no matter how hard I tried it never happened.
Yes when I was in my early 20's I learnt to like myself, probably because of the BBW scene of which I became a part, but I never really loved who I was. I still don't really.
Until I was around other fat people and saw how much they loved themselves, I didn't think it was even possible to actually like myself. But I never thought about being a feedee, I was always asked how I put on weight, how I managed to get to such an apparently glorious size by feeders, but all I could ever say was that it just came about naturally really. I have always found food as a comfort, but I never found it as something sexual, or even something I would use to gain weight. But I can still understand why they love food so much. The control it can have over you can make you weaker still.
As for this lady and others who desire to be fatter, what they do with their own body is their choice and theirs alone. Just like if anyone wishes to get a tattoo, a piercing or even lose weight. But before you do any of those things, the one thing you should always remember is health. Yes this lady may wish to be waited on hand and food, she may wish to get so big she cannot leave the house, but is that really living? To her it might be! We have no right to tell someone else how to live or what to do with their own body. I know many people will disagree, but, as one person's right to disagree with me (or anyone else) is their choice, so it is the choice of others to live as they see fit.
We are fortunate to have freedom of speech, But with that freedom should also come responsibility and the understanding that sometimes we will not agree with others.

Asos Dresses

I have been ordering too many clothes of late, Trawling through most of the well known sites, finding so many dresses and tops I would love to wear, but know I won't. Why you must think? Well because I am not only a size 28, but I am also 6 feet tall. Along with that I have huge upper arms, around 30 inches at the widest part, so I hide them all the time. They never see the fresh air unless I'm having a shower. But in clothes they are at all times to be well hidden.
You may think these things are easily done with the huge range of Plus Size clothes. Thankfully I no longer have just two options like I did in the 90's, which were a very old fashioned Evans and fat man clothing shops, which were few and far between. Also the only things I could ever manage to fit into were jeans and some kind of top. Evans of course had dresses and skirts but they were never long enough. They were also usually a lovely pattern that even my Nan would have thought twice about!
Thankfully here in 2016 there are a lot more plus size stores especially online. So I had a trawl through them and found a number of super 'fat arm friendly' dresses in various materials. I have found my style has gone towards leggings with a dress. You possibly might wonder why I would I would use a dress as a long top or tunic, but a long top or tunic on me is much too short. I would easily wear one of those as a top with a long skirt (that is if I could find a skirt long enough) damn my long torso!
So I came across a couple of dresses on asos.com - the first being a lovely long black stretch dress with small flowers:

This dress was so comfy and easy to wear, I loved the length. The one downfall for both items is that I had to sew the wrap the top together to prevent my bra being on show to all and sundry. I can imagine if you used tit tape or had less boobage than me (pretty much nothing) then you might get away with it. The other issue with this comfy dress is the rolled hem, which is pretty but see the white line at the bottom of the dress - that's the underside of the fabric showing. 

My second dress, in navy blue, was shorter and came with a very long band tie. It was lovely to wear although I was (as always) worried about my arms. It's not that they don't fit, but that the sleeves are not quite long enough for me. I could not really see the point of the long tie belt either, I'm sure it looked fine from the back, but I don't think it added much to the overall look of the dress. 

 I shall definitely be looking out for more asos.com items - not only are they very stretchy and comfy, but the price is really great! I do though wish they would use bigger models for their Curve Plus size range - it would make it much easier to realise what those items would look like on me! Please check them out and maybe take the plunge like I did and no doubt shall be again! 

My weight journey so far

I thought I would start blogging to not only help myself, but possibly help others who are or have been in my situation at some point.
In February 2014 I was 48 stone and 2 lbs. The highest weight I ever was was not only shocking but literally life threatening. My existence was basically confined to my house. I had pushed myself and my body beyond its limits, causing disability and tremendous pain.
I'd been told since the age of 8 to lose weight, but was stuck in a cycle of trying, failing and feeling useless - all I wanted to be an average child, to not stand out. It was then at 20 years old I made the decision to *ask* for help as opposed to simply hearing people tell me to lose weight. I was told that weight loss surgery was the only way. Until then, the only 'help' I'd received was having (usually well-meaning) people tell me to lose weight but offering no practical advice other than 'eat less' and 'exercise more' - both of which are factually correct but fail to take any of the many other issues into account. It's never that simple, we all have our own way and issues. Alas for over 13 years I received none of the help I desperately needed.
Then in late 2014 I got the most amazing help. Thanks to Blink film productions and Channel 4 television I was given a Gastric sleeve procedure. At that point I was over 46 stone. Thanks to 4 weeks on an 800 calorie pre-op diet I got down to 42 stone, the lowest weight I had been in 2 years. But the years of carrying so much excess weight had already taken an irreversible toll on my joints and muscles. For the two years immediately post-op I tried my best to eat what I should, to try and keep the cravings of sugar down to a minimum and got down to a weight of around 34 stone.
Then in May 2016 I was given a second life line of a Mini Gastric Bypass, I have since had a few issues - in the first few months I could hardly keep liquid down and was throwing up after every drink, my hair falling out more and more. I knew something was wrong. Exploratory surgery discovered major scarring on the join between the bottom of my sleeve and my intestines, So after two months of being sick every time something went into my stomach I was booked in to have an operation to sort this issue.
At the moment I am 31 stone 2 lbs around a size 26/28. It has been a long road but I still have a long way to go and it has been a hard few years. People think weight loss surgery is the easy way out but it is so much harder than many think - hair thinning, vitamin and nutrient deficiency, being sick after eating, having complications and never really enjoying sitting down to a meal. I still crave sweet foods which is difficult and food for me now is not something I can enjoy - it's now a chore. There are many positive and negative points to having the surgeries, but now I can see a distant light shining at the end of a very long tunnel, I still have severe mobility issues and am in constant pain, but am hoping with physiotherapy I will gradually become able to do simple, daily things most people take for granted.

Above February 2014 at 48 stone and below

Late 2015 at around 36 stone