I've been preparing for this my whole life!

So most people are finding it hard at the moment not to touch their face, to stay 2 meters apart or to not touch things others may of touched. 
For me how ever it is something I have been doing as long as I remember. I think it all stems from when as a child I would go with my father to his place of work. You may think how did this make you hate germs, well he worked for the sewage department. Smelling and watching other peoples waste going around in a huge tank. Really puts you off wanting to touch let alone be around filth and germs. 
Growing up my parents would not let us have a normal picnic on the floor in the grass with the insects, we used to picnic in the car instead. If my dad saw one fly in the house it would be panic stations. 
Then in November 2008 I thought I had a bad chest infection, I could hardly breath walking up stairs was like climbing a mountain, It got so bad that my oxygen levels were so low I should of died. I had pneumonia. Not being able to breath is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, coughing up black phlegm and feeling like you are drowning from the inside is something I would never wish on anyone. From that point on my issues with germs really started.  
I taught myself to not touch certain things. I am not clean freak, I have a dog who brings in probably more germs that I would like to know, I do not have the energy to clean and wipe down everywhere. But every time I fuss Ralph I will make an effort not to touch my face until I have washed my hands, I am pretty sure I wash my hands around 20 times a day even before this all happened. Even touching door handles, light switches and other items at home I never touch my face without washing my hands, touching raw meat I will always wash my hands about 4 times afterwards, in between cleaning down the area where the raw meat had been twice and leaving antibacterial spray on the area for at least 5 minutes before touching it. 
But yet my house isn't perfect, it's got dust, dirt and dog splashes on the walls just like most normal houses, I wish it didn't have but my body won't let me clean as much as I wish I could. The pain my body is in most days stops me doing simple things, but if I do clean I am in agony for days. But I try my best every day to do something. Even if it is just sweeping the floors. 
Before Covid 19 I would never touch a door handle in a shop, cinema, hotel. I would clean remote controls in hotels before I would use them. I would hold my breath for as long as possible if someone coughed near me. I wouldn't touch my face until I had got home and washed my hands. Not because I was scared of getting something, but because I was petrified. But now I realise I was just being prepared for something like this. My husbands has always laughed at me for doing what I have done, but now I know it was just preparation! 

Curly / wavy hair

My whole life I tried to hide the fact my hair was in between curly and wavy. All I ever wanted was straight hair like everyone else. Back when I was 13 years old they bought out a new contraption which was basically to metal plates which were the same metal as an iron and which also heated up to probably the same heat as the cotton setting with a shot of steam I prayed they would work. Luckily for me I had longer hair in those days, but I also had a fringe. This damn thing no matter if I straightened it or not always became curly again when I got hot or the weather was slightly damp. But still I kept straightening it. 

Even into my 20's and early 30's I am not sure many people knew that my hair wasn't straight, For years upon years every day I got out a pair of straighteners, thankfully better than the first pair I ever owned (shown above) But still damaging to my hair.  

I still have a fringe and I still straighten it every day. Sadly I have tried many times to grow out my fringe and every time I hate it.  
Then in 2018 I decided to give in to my curls. I am glad I do but I still some days wish for straight hair, my fringe still curls when I don't want it too, I have tried everything but relaxing treatments to try and stop it curling. But at least now I am happy with my hair, I no longer hate it as much, I no longer wish I had someone else's. I am bit by bit from my curly hair roots becoming me! The whole me, not someone who wants to be accepted despite things, but who know that I am who I am and from my curly hair down wards I am me! 

This Morning TV program, my truth!

So here we go, I have been thinking about doing this for sometime. Especially since the suicide of a few poor people after being on a reality TV show. To show that not all what you see on any program that has real people on it. Editing is a wondrous thing in TV land!
In 2011 my darling boyfriend asked me to marry him, I was so happy as I had known for some time I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. With this a few stories came out about us in magazines and news papers. From this you may think I am well known, famous or interesting. This is not the case what so ever, But why it happened was because I was fat, I was known as Britian's fattest woman at just over 42 stone and 6ft tall I was super morbidly obese. I could walk, was in moderate pain especially with my back but could live a normalish life.
I got asked if I wanted to go on This morning the TV program on ITV to talk about being fat, happy and getting married. I thought why not, I may show someone else that they are not alone, they can be fat, happy and find love. Love is for everyone of all shapes and sizes. I thought if I only show one person they are not alone then I have done my job in the world. The program it's self aired live and while I did not agree with some of the questions everyone was nice on the show, Of course online people who never care how much they may hurt someone said some nasty things. But I always have to think that these people do not know me, do not understand and must hate themselves a lot to put someone else down, no one is perfect, but it still affected me.
A few months after the show which was recorded live went out I got a call asking if I would like to get some help to lose weight, there were a lot of things they said would happen. I would be with  3 other people we would all be trying to lose weight and be a support to each other, but we would get help with nutrition, fitness, and mental health. I also made sure to say no matter what they put me through I would never be willing to go to a boot camp. They promised me this would be the case and that we would have so much other help we would not need this kind of place.
You may wonder why I did not wish to go to a boot camp. Well for many reasons, the first that if you shout at me, if you make me feel like a bad person I will go straight to eating things I shouldn't. I comfort eat, if you push me to breaking point I will snap and become someone I dislike, an angry person.  I knew exactly what happened at these places and while they work for some people, I knew it would never work for me!
So the day came and I met the other 3 people who I would be spending the next few months with on and off. They were all amazing people and we became a close group. We understood each other and knew what all of our issues were and how things affect us each, but we were also so different too.
First day of filming was live and a weigh inn, I did not mind this as I knew how much I weighed and I knew I needed to lose weight, not just for my health, but for my self to feel happier. We also that day met our doctor Chris, Nutritionist and someone who would be with us through it all Fatima Whitbread. You may think why would they have a sports person there helping us? I thought the same. How would she understand being fat? Being that fat that people stare, shout and make you feel not good enough. She would though understand what it is like to get negative feed back about her job, her sports, so maybe she would get it?
Over the next few months everything else was pretty much pre-recorded, only 2 others being live in the studio. They never told us what we were doing until we got there. The first thing they had us do was stand on a stage in a huge shopping mall and exercise in-front of huge crowds. This was for me my worst nightmare, I hate being centre of attention, but not only that, these are the sort of people who judge me, abuse me mentally and make me dread leaving my house. whilst on the stage I would do what they asked, I would try my best, but every time we could relax I would be off that stage and hiding in the corner getting away from everyone. It was my idea of hell. I believe this event wasn't to help us, wasn't to show us people are proud of us trying to make an effort, it was to get good point and laugh television. Fatima Whitbread had no idea how to even do fitness exercises, no idea what to do on this stage for us, but thankfully they had a fitness instructor on hand to help. It almost seemed like an idea that was thought of last minute. After what was one of the most awful days to come over the next few months, I thought surly it couldn't get worse than this. Oh but it did!
The doctor who was supposed to help us, give us medical advice and support us I only ever saw whilst filming live. I spoke to him once off camera and that was passing in the ITV studio corridor saying hello.
The nutritionist who was going to give us diet advice and help was also non existent. While she did send us a weeks food each in a box from her online company. That was supposed to be tailored to our needs, was instead exactly the same foods sent to all 4 of us. She was only ever with us when she recorded too. No help other wise.
Fatima though actually tried, she would ring each one of us on a weekly basis, seeing how we were doing, trying to offer help, that sadly she had no idea how to do. She was an athlete not anyone who understood nutrition and regular fitness, but she cared. Aside from the times she had to play up for the camera.
Next we went to see a famous couple who were famous for helping with mental issues. Mostly that day we all sat around talking to each other while we had our 20 minutes maximum with these people. They were a lovely couple, but did I find the 2 minutes of help worthy? No! Did I get any actual words of help, of course not. I did though meet their cat and get to cuddle it. YES! Did I get told I was too fat to sit on one of their toilets YES!! Did I get told that they had never had this issue before YES! Did we all get put down for what we ate the night before in the restaurant where we stayed YES! Were there any healthy choices on said hotel menu? NO, did we only have a budget where we could afford only certain items that would fill us up. YES! But what made the icing on the cake was our therapy, how we could let go of the past, But writing the words we hate on a piece of paper and burn them. Did this help? did these words actually disappear from my head? Of course not. Were we given ways in which to cope with people outside of their beautiful house, ways in which to understand ourselves and how we got this way, how we could find other ways to cope. We did not get any of this. Once again it was just all for a good TV show.
Then came the worse week of all! The night before we all met up in a hotel, the 4 of us chatting away in this lovely hotel in Norfolk. One of us saying that they are pretty sure were going to a boot camp. My heart sank, I knew I would hate this and I knew I would not cope. I hoped I really did that it was finally something else that may actually help. I thought about driving away, I thought about leaving, but sadly they had hired me a car which was no longer there. Then the morning came...
We turned up at a boot camp where we were to stay for the next week, Having our meals cooked for us and given to us, exercising daily and pushing our bodies, the thought for me was hell. Not because of the food and daily exercise, but the way boot camps are known to talk to people. But my first thought was just give it a try. That first day almost broke me.
So here we were, I thought I would give it my best go. I was honest enough to tell them off camera that I had packed some chocolate my dad gave me (honesty being the best policy and all, as I did want this to work). It was then that they decided to humiliate us all by filming Fatima going through our luggage. Digging through our underwear, clothes and stuff. If this wasn't humiliating enough feeling like an school child who had done something wrong. They decided to tell the ex military staff to be as hard on us as their army days. We were shouted at, humiliated and told to do as we were told. All went well until my back had a shooting pain going through it, as if a hot knife was cutting my bones. Of course I was made to look like a liar, to be told it was ok. crying in tears of pain, I tried my best, but somethings I couldn't physically do. Being shouted at like I was in the army I was told "do you want to be fat and disgusting for the rest of your life". At that point I lost it, the pain and the humiliation was too much. I snapped. Yet the shouting and argument I had with one person was only showed on my side, shown that I lost it, for no reason. The online abuse I got was terrible for this. It still haunts me to this day.
That evening I wanted to leave, I couldn't go on anymore. But if I left one of us would be left in this hell hole all alone for nearly the week. The only reason I stayed was for him.
Strangely enough they never showed how the rest of the week went for me and my partner in hell, I did everything they asked, we weren't actually shouted at again. They actually told us that they were told to do that to us for effect of filming live, I was so damn angry. While we were at this boot camp we were filmed a few times aside from the first day. Once with the nutritionist for an hour showing me how dark chocolate is made and how it can help me more. Then once on a weigh day half way through the week. Aside from that we had no contact with them, we were given breakfast, lunch and an evening meal. All healthy, not all nice to eat. But the chef was amazing, she tried so hard to give us tasty foods we would like and new things to try. She was never told to help us, to show us how to make these meals, to give us ideas on what foods to eat outside of this world. 
Through the week we got on so well with the staff, had a laugh and did everything they set out to achieve with us, I even walked a mile! Something I had never done before. My body hurt so much  every night that much that I couldn't sleep, but I pushed myself. All because the cameras weren't there we all got along. 
We were kept from the rest of the people who were there doing the boot camp because they wanted too. Their bags weren't checked and I found it hilarious that most evenings a few of them walked to the local shop to get treats. We never did!
They knew I was leaving on the Friday as my hen do was on the Saturday and the following Saturday I was getting married, they knew this from the moment I signed up to get "help". So they filmed all 4 of us getting weighed, of course we lost weight, but aside from learning what exercises we could do with simple things. I feel we could of learnt so much more from so many of the staff.
They even filmed me on my hen do, they wanted to film my wedding, but I wouldn't allow it. I wanted that day to be about us, not everyone to put us down. I wanted a relaxed day full of fun and laughter.
The day after my hen do I was supposed to go back up to Norfolk and finish the week. but sadly I slept through all my alarms and slept for 16 hours. I missed it.
Then came the final program, just a couple of days before my wedding, the only other live program, where we would be weighed for all the world to see. But I decided my wedding was more important. That me and my husband came first, I emailed them to tell them this, but alive on the program they only said that they had tried to contact me, to no avail!
At the end of it all and the months of mental and physical abuse caused by this program, the only good thing to come of it, is the amazing friends I made. They came to my wedding and they are still my friends!
This Morning let us all down, did they not give us the advice and help they said they would give.
Was the abuse I received after every program was shown worth the pain and suffering? Did I learn anything? Did I become suicidal through all of it? These are still questions I think about every day.
I learn't that the editing of footage to make "good" TV is very important. That TV programs lie, that I thought about ending it all even though I had just got married. But what I will take away from this whole experience is that, I was not alone, that 3 other people who I now class as friends have their own horror story of the event, they know the truth!
From all of this happening I put on 6 stone and my mental health got worse. I became Britain's fattest woman. I comfort ate from the months of online abuse and in papers and magazines. We never got help with this, they never checked in with us. Honestly they never seemed to care past what they achieved, a good program people would want to watch.

Plus size clothing sale

So I thought some of you may like to look at a few plus size sites that have a sale on at the moment. Anyway here they are! 

 

(Please click on the site name to go straight to the sale page.)

Site                           Size                    

NewLook                16 - 32

Very                          8 - 28       

Curvissa                   14 - 32

Matalan                     6 - 26

Simplybe                  12 - 34

Evans                       14 - 32

Fashion World          8 - 38

Yours Clothing         14 - 36

Lovedrobe                16 - 32

Pink Clove               12 - 28

BonPrix                    6 - 32

Scarlett & Jo             16 - 32

H & M                      L - 4XL

Dorothy Perkins       6 - 22

M and Co                 6 - 32

Zalando                    8 - 30

Navabi                     14 - 34

Asos                         4 - 34

Ulla Popken             16 - 42

M & S                      6 - 32

Junarose                   12 - 30

Pureplusclothings     14 - 40 

Shein                        16 - 26

Boohoo                    16 - 26

Riverisland               2 - 28

Pretty little things     2 - 28

Quiz                         3 - 26

Missguided              12 - 28

Debenhams              8 - 32

             

Hugs

Anyone who knows me knows I am truly awkward at hugging people and this is why!
I have always gotten hugs off my mother and father, but never really off anyone else platonic until I was 22. I had always seen people around me hug each other, friends hugging other friends. Just no one ever hugged me. I have many reasons in my head as to why, but all I can put it down to is that maybe they never cared for me enough to do it. 
But when I was 22 that all changed, I was sat at work and someone I classed as my friend actually came behind me and hugged me. I was frozen in shock but also totally and utterly amazed, I never thought anyone would care about me enough who wasn't a loved one. But she did. She made me feel worthy and slightly less of a freak because of it. 
I always classed myself as scary to other people, that they were too scared to hug me. I never saw myself as a scary person, I am kinda laid back until you really push me to the brink. I think the fact I have always been one of the tallest people in a room and always the fattest person too made me a freak. But this person didn't care about that, Or so I thought, but that's another story. 
But what you will not understand about this is that I love hugs, I love it when my husband wraps me in his arms, I feel like the world cannot harm me, that I am safe and nothing can hurt me. Which is a rare feeling for me. 
Over my 38 years on this planet I can probably tell you everyone who has ever given me a hug, especially since being around 10 years old. Hugs for me are mostly awkward or uncomfortable but after I feel kind of normal too, I feel like that person actually likes me, they don't care that I am fat, that I am not "normal". But they are willing to accept my physical form as it is. 
I have friends that hug me now, even though I do not see them often it reminds me when they do that they love me for who I am! They say a picture is worth a thousand words, but to some people a hug is worth more than that picture will ever know. 
No matter how awkward I still am when people hug me I am great-full to those that do! 

Andrew

I never in my life thought I would meet someone to love me let alone get married, but I was luckily enough one autumn  evening to meet a man who liked me for who I was. 
I had dated a few men before I met my husband, some of them were embarrassed of me, some hid me away never introducing me to friends. Others only wanted one thing and some tried to change me, lock me away from people I cared about. 
But over 12 years ago I decided to meet someone I thought would be a friend. Who turned about to be the man I truly fell in love with.
Andrew has never asked anything of me, he has never wanted anything from me, he accepts me for all my quirks, annoying habits and puts up with me daily. 
I was always told I would never find love, that no one would ever want to marry me. Andrew always told me he never wanted to get married either, but over time I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. 
Of course we have had our ups and downs, we have been through good times and bad just like anyone else. But no matter what I love Andrew for who his is. Yes just like I annoy him with some of the things I do, He annoys me too. Normally because we are opposites in so many things. I hate being alone, He loves it. I loathe sports and he loves football and cricket. He can happily spend the day pottering around finding little jobs to do, where as I get bored so easily. He loves the stars, the solar system and what may be out there, I love history, where we come from and what has made us how we are. We do have similar interests too.
I love spending time with him and we spent nearly 4 years with each other 24/7 and never really got annoyed, bored or fed up of one another, I know not many people can say that. 
He completes me, I love him for who he is, not what he can give me, or do for me, I love him because he puts up with my very bad sense of humour, he has never asked anything of me, he knows I ask so much of myself already. 
I am proud of being his wife. He is my best friend he is someone I can tell anything too without worrying about what he might say. 
I am not a confident person and do not love myself, but I know he loves me even when he does not tell me. Yes I get scared that one day he will realise and will leave me. But I know that is my head and my own issues and he loves me no matter of that. 
I love him more than I thought I could love someone. He completes me.

Andrew thank you for being my rock I love you! 

Telling someone you're "FAT" will not help them!

Being fat all my life I have been told since I was a young age I would be told that I would die before I was 12, 14, 16, 18 and 20.
The people who told me these things never understood what they were doing. They were trying to make me see that I should change my life and be healthier and lose weight to live. What they didn't know is that it did not do this, it did not suddenly jolt my whole existence into suddenly wanting to lose weight. It did the opposite effect! It made me comfort eat, panic and realise that I can't do that. These people including health professionals also never understood what else was going on in my life. The daily torment from other people, the constant battle with myself and how I hated every thing about me. I was taught from an early age from people that I was disgusting, I was ugly and shouldn't be the way I was.
I never had anyone sit down with me and ask me what I thought, how I felt, I was a child and as a child I didn't understand why I was these things, I felt normal, active and I did everything I wanted to do. Why was I all of these things? My peers were just as bad as adults maybe even worse. All I wanted to do was fit in, to eat what my peers ate to be a normal child. But I wasn't I was fat. I was apparently the worst thing anyone could be.
Even simple things like being put on a diet when I was 8 years old I was asked by "friends" why are you not eating what we are? I didn't know how to answer these questions.
Into my teenage years it just got worse, I got heavier through comfort eating and hiding myself away. The bigger in time I got the more hate I got from people everywhere. The more I hated myself, the more I comfort ate, the more I wanted to not be here, to make these noises in my head stop.
It wasn't until I was in my late 20's that I realised that these people had the problem not me. Yes I am fat, yes I have fat, but when all of this started when I was a child when I was innocent, I was shamed and put down and made to feel like I had no reason to live anymore.
Over the past 38 years I have tried every diet going, I have battled the voices in my head, I think I will always battle these voices in my head they will forever be there they are now apart of me. Those people from my past from my childhood will forever be in my head. But not just them, people still now who shame me in the street, online and on television. Every day I am fighting a battle to tell myself I am worth living worth giving to society.  To not eat bad foods and give into these people who tell me I should just eat my self to death, to not comfort myself with the one thing that doesn't judge me.
Telling someone that they are fat and need to lose weight will not help that child or person, you are just telling them for yourself, for your own peace of mind that you did something to "help".
My advice for any parent who thinks their child is over weight is teach them, teach them that being active and keeping active may not help you lose weight but it is good for your body. That food is fuel, what are good and not so good foods, that you can eat what ever you want to eat but only some of them occasionally. That no matter if you are over weight or underweight you are still beautiful, you are still worth being on this planet. You have as much worth as anyone else. Tell them that no matter what people say to you, their opinion is not always correct. That others can be cruel. Talk to your child about their day, how and what people said to them and how this may affect them.
Tell them no matter your size, anyone's size or shape they are beautiful, as beauty really comes from within, from how we treat others!