This could happen to anyone.

So it's 10 years in the future or maybe even next week for you. Your child whether male, female or neither comes to you and tells you that they have been trying to conceive a child.  Sadly they have had tests done and they are either unable to have children or have a very rare chance of having a child.

What do you do? What can you say to make things better? No words will ever be enough when all you have ever wanted is to be a mum or dad. 

Yes there are many other options out there, adoption, IVF, fostering or Surrogacy. But all of those options not only leave you stressed and fearing they will not work, but also the mental toll and toll on your body is nothing but unreal. 

You may think all of those options is easy and straightforward, but sadly you are completely wrong. 

IVF there is only a 33% chance of it working on your first try. 

Adoption there are no guarantee that you will be able to do this because you may smoke, not have enough money in the bank, or you may be over weight. All of these issues mean you may be told you cannot adopt. 

Fostering is an easier way to be a parent, but you will never be a parent for long term, some children are only in fostering for a week or a few days. Could you imagine wanting something so much but having that child taken away from you again and again? 

Surrogacy is also something that is not straight forward, first of all will the child be 100% yours, if so the surrogate has to go through IVF which means months of injections for you and the surrogate. If the child is not genetically yours then comes the whole issue of the mother on the birth certificate is not you, not only that what if they decide to keep the child? Putting trust in someone you know or even do not know along with the financial side of Surrogacy is and will put any couple into many predicaments. 

All of these options is any amount of stress for any couple before any bundle of joy may arrive, Would the stress of all of this push two people away from each other. But not only that the physical stress of injections, procedures and financial strain on any one person will and can push people over the edge. Not to mention the children who are lost before they are even born, the mental and physical stress of losing a child is more that any person should have to cope with. 

Myself personally I have been and am still trying for a child, I wish I could adopt or afford a surrogate. I would give anything to be a mum, since childhood I have wanted to be a mum. There are many other people out there who also wish for this every day, they have tried everything and yet still cannot be a parent. We do not want your sympathy, yes we are jealous that you found it so easy to have a child, or even if the path wasn't easy we will still be jealous of your joy. But our happiness for you outweighs that. We hope and pray one day we will be as lucky as you. We wish for someone to give us a child, but the reality of that gets further and further away the older we get. 

We want to be involved in your child's life, we love kids and even though it breaks our hearts that we cannot share our children and we cannot watch our child grow up with yours. Please do not forget us for birthdays, days out and  doing things with you and your child. Will we enjoy it just as much!

But what would you do if your child came and told you they will probably never be a parent. What would you say? What do you think you could do to help? Maybe think of those words of wisdom for someone you know who still wants to be apart of your life, but cannot share the things you do every day. 

What would you prefer? Being tall!

As someone who is taller than the average man, I would like to pose to you a question. If you were looking for a pair of jeans that fitted, you wander around shops looking again and again for that perfect fit to then finally stumble on one pair that fit you like you wish every pair ever could. There is just sadly 2 issues with the the 2 pairs of these jeans you can find in the whole world. 

Pair one is too long. So do you spend extra money and find someone who can shorten them for you? But you worry will they look right shortened, but how can they not? 

Pair 2 are too short, maybe you could go for a cropped looking pair, but you know there will only be certain times in the year you can wear them, when it is warm and when you have been bothered to shave your legs. 

But what would you prefer to do?


Now imagine these jeans are now a dress. A dress that should be a maxi and instead it cuts down your calf half way. Could you possibly add some material to the shorter dress, maybe some netting or lace? But it will never look right. 

These are sadly the issue taller people have every time they buy something. I suppose they could always go and buy in the mens section, like I always had to when I was a child and teen, but nothing fits correctly, a mans shape is completely different to a woman's. Remember this when you moan about clothes being too long, some of us can never get them long enough! 

I've been preparing for this my whole life!

So most people are finding it hard at the moment not to touch their face, to stay 2 meters apart or to not touch things others may of touched. 
For me how ever it is something I have been doing as long as I remember. I think it all stems from when as a child I would go with my father to his place of work. You may think how did this make you hate germs, well he worked for the sewage department. Smelling and watching other peoples waste going around in a huge tank. Really puts you off wanting to touch let alone be around filth and germs. 
Growing up my parents would not let us have a normal picnic on the floor in the grass with the insects, we used to picnic in the car instead. If my dad saw one fly in the house it would be panic stations. 
Then in November 2008 I thought I had a bad chest infection, I could hardly breath walking up stairs was like climbing a mountain, It got so bad that my oxygen levels were so low I should of died. I had pneumonia. Not being able to breath is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, coughing up black phlegm and feeling like you are drowning from the inside is something I would never wish on anyone. From that point on my issues with germs really started.  
I taught myself to not touch certain things. I am not clean freak, I have a dog who brings in probably more germs that I would like to know, I do not have the energy to clean and wipe down everywhere. But every time I fuss Ralph I will make an effort not to touch my face until I have washed my hands, I am pretty sure I wash my hands around 20 times a day even before this all happened. Even touching door handles, light switches and other items at home I never touch my face without washing my hands, touching raw meat I will always wash my hands about 4 times afterwards, in between cleaning down the area where the raw meat had been twice and leaving antibacterial spray on the area for at least 5 minutes before touching it. 
But yet my house isn't perfect, it's got dust, dirt and dog splashes on the walls just like most normal houses, I wish it didn't have but my body won't let me clean as much as I wish I could. The pain my body is in most days stops me doing simple things, but if I do clean I am in agony for days. But I try my best every day to do something. Even if it is just sweeping the floors. 
Before Covid 19 I would never touch a door handle in a shop, cinema, hotel. I would clean remote controls in hotels before I would use them. I would hold my breath for as long as possible if someone coughed near me. I wouldn't touch my face until I had got home and washed my hands. Not because I was scared of getting something, but because I was petrified. But now I realise I was just being prepared for something like this. My husbands has always laughed at me for doing what I have done, but now I know it was just preparation! 

Curly / wavy hair

My whole life I tried to hide the fact my hair was in between curly and wavy. All I ever wanted was straight hair like everyone else. Back when I was 13 years old they bought out a new contraption which was basically to metal plates which were the same metal as an iron and which also heated up to probably the same heat as the cotton setting with a shot of steam I prayed they would work. Luckily for me I had longer hair in those days, but I also had a fringe. This damn thing no matter if I straightened it or not always became curly again when I got hot or the weather was slightly damp. But still I kept straightening it. 

Even into my 20's and early 30's I am not sure many people knew that my hair wasn't straight, For years upon years every day I got out a pair of straighteners, thankfully better than the first pair I ever owned (shown above) But still damaging to my hair.  

I still have a fringe and I still straighten it every day. Sadly I have tried many times to grow out my fringe and every time I hate it.  
Then in 2018 I decided to give in to my curls. I am glad I do but I still some days wish for straight hair, my fringe still curls when I don't want it too, I have tried everything but relaxing treatments to try and stop it curling. But at least now I am happy with my hair, I no longer hate it as much, I no longer wish I had someone else's. I am bit by bit from my curly hair roots becoming me! The whole me, not someone who wants to be accepted despite things, but who know that I am who I am and from my curly hair down wards I am me! 

This Morning TV program, my truth!

So here we go, I have been thinking about doing this for sometime. Especially since the suicide of a few poor people after being on a reality TV show. To show that not all what you see on any program that has real people on it. Editing is a wondrous thing in TV land!
In 2011 my darling boyfriend asked me to marry him, I was so happy as I had known for some time I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. With this a few stories came out about us in magazines and news papers. From this you may think I am well known, famous or interesting. This is not the case what so ever, But why it happened was because I was fat, I was known as Britian's fattest woman at just over 42 stone and 6ft tall I was super morbidly obese. I could walk, was in moderate pain especially with my back but could live a normalish life.
I got asked if I wanted to go on This morning the TV program on ITV to talk about being fat, happy and getting married. I thought why not, I may show someone else that they are not alone, they can be fat, happy and find love. Love is for everyone of all shapes and sizes. I thought if I only show one person they are not alone then I have done my job in the world. The program it's self aired live and while I did not agree with some of the questions everyone was nice on the show, Of course online people who never care how much they may hurt someone said some nasty things. But I always have to think that these people do not know me, do not understand and must hate themselves a lot to put someone else down, no one is perfect, but it still affected me.
A few months after the show which was recorded live went out I got a call asking if I would like to get some help to lose weight, there were a lot of things they said would happen. I would be with  3 other people we would all be trying to lose weight and be a support to each other, but we would get help with nutrition, fitness, and mental health. I also made sure to say no matter what they put me through I would never be willing to go to a boot camp. They promised me this would be the case and that we would have so much other help we would not need this kind of place.
You may wonder why I did not wish to go to a boot camp. Well for many reasons, the first that if you shout at me, if you make me feel like a bad person I will go straight to eating things I shouldn't. I comfort eat, if you push me to breaking point I will snap and become someone I dislike, an angry person.  I knew exactly what happened at these places and while they work for some people, I knew it would never work for me!
So the day came and I met the other 3 people who I would be spending the next few months with on and off. They were all amazing people and we became a close group. We understood each other and knew what all of our issues were and how things affect us each, but we were also so different too.
First day of filming was live and a weigh inn, I did not mind this as I knew how much I weighed and I knew I needed to lose weight, not just for my health, but for my self to feel happier. We also that day met our doctor Chris, Nutritionist and someone who would be with us through it all Fatima Whitbread. You may think why would they have a sports person there helping us? I thought the same. How would she understand being fat? Being that fat that people stare, shout and make you feel not good enough. She would though understand what it is like to get negative feed back about her job, her sports, so maybe she would get it?
Over the next few months everything else was pretty much pre-recorded, only 2 others being live in the studio. They never told us what we were doing until we got there. The first thing they had us do was stand on a stage in a huge shopping mall and exercise in-front of huge crowds. This was for me my worst nightmare, I hate being centre of attention, but not only that, these are the sort of people who judge me, abuse me mentally and make me dread leaving my house. whilst on the stage I would do what they asked, I would try my best, but every time we could relax I would be off that stage and hiding in the corner getting away from everyone. It was my idea of hell. I believe this event wasn't to help us, wasn't to show us people are proud of us trying to make an effort, it was to get good point and laugh television. Fatima Whitbread had no idea how to even do fitness exercises, no idea what to do on this stage for us, but thankfully they had a fitness instructor on hand to help. It almost seemed like an idea that was thought of last minute. After what was one of the most awful days to come over the next few months, I thought surly it couldn't get worse than this. Oh but it did!
The doctor who was supposed to help us, give us medical advice and support us I only ever saw whilst filming live. I spoke to him once off camera and that was passing in the ITV studio corridor saying hello.
The nutritionist who was going to give us diet advice and help was also non existent. While she did send us a weeks food each in a box from her online company. That was supposed to be tailored to our needs, was instead exactly the same foods sent to all 4 of us. She was only ever with us when she recorded too. No help other wise.
Fatima though actually tried, she would ring each one of us on a weekly basis, seeing how we were doing, trying to offer help, that sadly she had no idea how to do. She was an athlete not anyone who understood nutrition and regular fitness, but she cared. Aside from the times she had to play up for the camera.
Next we went to see a famous couple who were famous for helping with mental issues. Mostly that day we all sat around talking to each other while we had our 20 minutes maximum with these people. They were a lovely couple, but did I find the 2 minutes of help worthy? No! Did I get any actual words of help, of course not. I did though meet their cat and get to cuddle it. YES! Did I get told I was too fat to sit on one of their toilets YES!! Did I get told that they had never had this issue before YES! Did we all get put down for what we ate the night before in the restaurant where we stayed YES! Were there any healthy choices on said hotel menu? NO, did we only have a budget where we could afford only certain items that would fill us up. YES! But what made the icing on the cake was our therapy, how we could let go of the past, But writing the words we hate on a piece of paper and burn them. Did this help? did these words actually disappear from my head? Of course not. Were we given ways in which to cope with people outside of their beautiful house, ways in which to understand ourselves and how we got this way, how we could find other ways to cope. We did not get any of this. Once again it was just all for a good TV show.
Then came the worse week of all! The night before we all met up in a hotel, the 4 of us chatting away in this lovely hotel in Norfolk. One of us saying that they are pretty sure were going to a boot camp. My heart sank, I knew I would hate this and I knew I would not cope. I hoped I really did that it was finally something else that may actually help. I thought about driving away, I thought about leaving, but sadly they had hired me a car which was no longer there. Then the morning came...
We turned up at a boot camp where we were to stay for the next week, Having our meals cooked for us and given to us, exercising daily and pushing our bodies, the thought for me was hell. Not because of the food and daily exercise, but the way boot camps are known to talk to people. But my first thought was just give it a try. That first day almost broke me.
So here we were, I thought I would give it my best go. I was honest enough to tell them off camera that I had packed some chocolate my dad gave me (honesty being the best policy and all, as I did want this to work). It was then that they decided to humiliate us all by filming Fatima going through our luggage. Digging through our underwear, clothes and stuff. If this wasn't humiliating enough feeling like an school child who had done something wrong. They decided to tell the ex military staff to be as hard on us as their army days. We were shouted at, humiliated and told to do as we were told. All went well until my back had a shooting pain going through it, as if a hot knife was cutting my bones. Of course I was made to look like a liar, to be told it was ok. crying in tears of pain, I tried my best, but somethings I couldn't physically do. Being shouted at like I was in the army I was told "do you want to be fat and disgusting for the rest of your life". At that point I lost it, the pain and the humiliation was too much. I snapped. Yet the shouting and argument I had with one person was only showed on my side, shown that I lost it, for no reason. The online abuse I got was terrible for this. It still haunts me to this day.
That evening I wanted to leave, I couldn't go on anymore. But if I left one of us would be left in this hell hole all alone for nearly the week. The only reason I stayed was for him.
Strangely enough they never showed how the rest of the week went for me and my partner in hell, I did everything they asked, we weren't actually shouted at again. They actually told us that they were told to do that to us for effect of filming live, I was so damn angry. While we were at this boot camp we were filmed a few times aside from the first day. Once with the nutritionist for an hour showing me how dark chocolate is made and how it can help me more. Then once on a weigh day half way through the week. Aside from that we had no contact with them, we were given breakfast, lunch and an evening meal. All healthy, not all nice to eat. But the chef was amazing, she tried so hard to give us tasty foods we would like and new things to try. She was never told to help us, to show us how to make these meals, to give us ideas on what foods to eat outside of this world. 
Through the week we got on so well with the staff, had a laugh and did everything they set out to achieve with us, I even walked a mile! Something I had never done before. My body hurt so much  every night that much that I couldn't sleep, but I pushed myself. All because the cameras weren't there we all got along. 
We were kept from the rest of the people who were there doing the boot camp because they wanted too. Their bags weren't checked and I found it hilarious that most evenings a few of them walked to the local shop to get treats. We never did!
They knew I was leaving on the Friday as my hen do was on the Saturday and the following Saturday I was getting married, they knew this from the moment I signed up to get "help". So they filmed all 4 of us getting weighed, of course we lost weight, but aside from learning what exercises we could do with simple things. I feel we could of learnt so much more from so many of the staff.
They even filmed me on my hen do, they wanted to film my wedding, but I wouldn't allow it. I wanted that day to be about us, not everyone to put us down. I wanted a relaxed day full of fun and laughter.
The day after my hen do I was supposed to go back up to Norfolk and finish the week. but sadly I slept through all my alarms and slept for 16 hours. I missed it.
Then came the final program, just a couple of days before my wedding, the only other live program, where we would be weighed for all the world to see. But I decided my wedding was more important. That me and my husband came first, I emailed them to tell them this, but alive on the program they only said that they had tried to contact me, to no avail!
At the end of it all and the months of mental and physical abuse caused by this program, the only good thing to come of it, is the amazing friends I made. They came to my wedding and they are still my friends!
This Morning let us all down, did they not give us the advice and help they said they would give.
Was the abuse I received after every program was shown worth the pain and suffering? Did I learn anything? Did I become suicidal through all of it? These are still questions I think about every day.
I learn't that the editing of footage to make "good" TV is very important. That TV programs lie, that I thought about ending it all even though I had just got married. But what I will take away from this whole experience is that, I was not alone, that 3 other people who I now class as friends have their own horror story of the event, they know the truth!
From all of this happening I put on 6 stone and my mental health got worse. I became Britain's fattest woman. I comfort ate from the months of online abuse and in papers and magazines. We never got help with this, they never checked in with us. Honestly they never seemed to care past what they achieved, a good program people would want to watch.