Children

If you are a woman you are normally expected to have a child. I know many women out there are very happy to never have one. They do not feel an urge to become pregnant, give birth or look after a child full time. This does not mean that they do not like children, they just have no desire to have a child in their life.
Then there are the women who feel conflicted, they don't want a child, but feel that they are expected to have one. I have no idea what decision they come to, if they have a child do they regret it all their life, or do they then realize that it was something they had always wanted. Do they give it up for adoption? I wish I could have that choice.
Or maybe you are a woman who was ambivalent about having a child but when they met the partner who made them realize a child would be the best thing in the world to have to make them a whole.
You could be the woman who always knew they want to have children and got their wish no matter how hard it was to conceive, to go through miscarriages. But in the end you have a beautiful child.
I think though one of the hardest kinds of women to be is the woman who also really wanted a child but either couldn't get pregnant, or did get pregnant and lost it their in the early term or at full term, I cannot imagine being someone who has to give birth to a child you know is never going to live, to grow up. To have all that pain, but to not hear your child laugh, see it grow or feel its warmth next to your heart again.
I am the woman who cannot seem to get pregnant. People say losing weight is hard, I can confirm it is. Could I give up chocolate and cake if I had a small bundle of love for the rest of my life. YES! But the disappointment every month and the years of never having a stripe on a test makes me weak. Makes me comfort eat. Does that make me weak, probably. But yes I would give anything to be a mother, to be called mum. If I could afford for someone else to give me a child I would do it today, not even tomorrow. If I wasn't overweight I would be able to adopt. But sometimes even adoption is hard, even if you are healthy, have the funds, the restrictions of trying to be a mother is sometimes like beating against a brick wall that you cannot seem to break down.
Some say that maybe I should foster, I would love to help a child who sadly cannot be with their parents for various reasons, but would I have to give that child back? Could I give that child back? My answer is NO. That may be selfish but if you truly love and care for your own child, would you be able to just give it away? There are some amazing women out there who do this, they have a child for a couple. These women to me are damn amazing, they give me hope that maybe if I won the lotto I could have a child, be a mother.
But the next thing against me is my age, my ticking clock is telling me soon I shall be 40, soon I shall be too old to get help, to have a child, to do any of these things. Do I wish I could turn back time and hope that I got help to get pregnant earlier? Yes. But as always my weight has been against me in that. I just keep hoping and praying like the many other women out there who are in similar circumstances.
Does it ever get easier? I don't think it will, but I am guessing some day I shall have to give in and realize that if I am not pregnant or do not become a mother I shall have to concede and that it just wasn't meant to be. All I can do for now is try, try to lose more weight, try to do the right things, try to get pregnant. Until the day comes that I shall have to stop and give in. Which I know will truly break my heart.
If you like me are a woman who wishes to be a mother, I hope your dreams and wishes come true.
If you are ever thinking of being a surrogate please I hope you do, I hope you give something to someone who could never have wished for more. You will mean the world to that or those people. You will give them the best thing ever in this world.
Do I hope one day I could be one of those persons who is given the opportunity to have a child? Do I really need to give you the answer to that?