Protein, Protein, Protein.

When you have weight loss surgery (WLS) you have to change your diet. Your primary means of nutrition must be protein, and with a vastly reduced capacity for food, ensuring your choices are high in protein is essential. Now if you know me you will know how fussy I am with food.
I know people will look at the very narrow range of what I'll eat and wonder how I got so fat. They think people who are fat will eat everything and anything, which is by no means always the case. My life has always revolved around sweet food, so much so that rather than have a starter and main course when out for a meal, I would have quite happily had 3 desserts - not that I ever did, sadly! Even now I crave sugary foods morning, noon and night. The problem is those foods not only have a lot of sugar and fat (and therefore calories), but also aren't very high in protein.
Over the last four years I have tried many protein supplements in the form of shakes, bars and snacks. But once again my taste buds just do not like most. Various friends have recommended different ones to me but I just could not tolerate them. I have to like what I eat or bizarrely I feel sick and will heave. But I have found some that I like and will stick with for the rest of my life.

Protein Shakes
When I had my first surgery my best friend recommended Syntrax Nectar. She gave me a few samples of Chocolate Truffle, Strawberry, and Cookie but I only liked the Chocolate Truffle. I have tried other varieties of Syntrax since, including the Essence and Micellar Creme and I do like all of the chocolate ones I have tried, but I have found that if I mix two of them together they create the perfect drink for me. I love Syntrax because not only are some of them carb free, it doesn't taste too much of sweetener like some of the other products I've tried. Syntrax is expensive compared to many other products and sometimes is hard to find here in the UK, but I wouldn't be without it.

Protein bars

I have tried many varieties of protein bar in my 4 post-operative years but most I have found not particularly appetising. But then just this year I came across the new Grenade Carb Killa. I have tried most of the flavours they do, and really love the Caramel Chaos, and the While Chocolate Cookie ones. They may be a little on the pricey side for some, but if you buy them in bulk the cost comes down. 

Cereal bars

Once again I have tried so many different types. Because for me the taste is as important as the protein content, I've ended up preferring one which is slightly higher in carbs than some alternatives - you have to go for what you like. I have found a couple of Graze bars amazing for taste. My favourites are Cocoa & Vanilla Protein Flapjack, and Banana Protein Flapjack. Strangely, I don't like actual bananas, but the banana flapjacks don't have a particularly strong banana flavour.

Other sources, 

I don't just eat protein bars and flapjacks! I also eat home cooked meals that I normally prepare and put in foil tins, then cook from frozen, I have found that if I cook and eat within 30 minutes I can't eat much. So for me this method works better and I can get protein into myself in a more natural form. 

My favourite things to cook from frozen are:

Bolognese bake - Minced beef in a tomato sauce on the bottom, with macaroni in a cheese sauce on top. 

Chicken wrapped in bacon - I take probably 2/3 of a normal size chicken breast and wrap it in bacon, then with 30 minutes left I will sometimes put a bit of bbq sauce on top to help it go down more easily. 

Shepherd's pie - For this I slow roast a lamb shoulder, then cut it off the bone the leave overnihgt in the fridge to cool. Once it is cold from the fridge you can see the rest of the white fat more easily. I trim that off then whizz it up in the food processor for a few seconds, I add in finely chopped carrots, peas and gravy and top with mashed potato.

Hot Pot - I take some of the lamb that was slow cooked and chop into cubes, add carrots, peas and top with sliced boiled potatoes.

Pie - I prefer either beef which has been cubed and slow cooked for 4 hours, or chicken which I normally roast in the oven then take off the bone. I will add carrots, peas and gravy, then top with a very thin layer of pastry. 

Stuffed Potato skins - Yes this is high in carbs and relatively low in protein, but some days you want carbs and this is a pretty healthy carb choice. I first of all soften/cook jacket spuds in the microwave until they're soft, then cut them in half and scoop out the potato into a bowl, to which I add bacon, light spreadable cheese and a tiny bit of milk just to help with the mashing of the potato. I then add the mix back into the potato skins and top with little grated cheese. 

Big feet

I've always been tall, As I grew up, I passed my dad and brother in height and have always had big feet. While other girls were wearing the latest trend in shoes, I had to make do with men's shoes.

Back in the 90's and early 2000's women's shoes only seemed to go up to a size 7 or 8. Now you can find in some shops on the high street a size 9 and in Evans and Yours clothing, even a size 10 or 11.
I remember the first time I found Evans shoes, I felt like I could finally be a girl - I could dress like everyone else, even if only in the footwear department.

Since having weight loss surgery, my feet have shrunk - not in length but in width. Luckily, thanks to the amazing internet I found a great website called Pretty Big Shoes which has links to lots of sites in the UK, Europe, USA and Australia.

Buying larger shoes usually involved paying a higher price. Until, that is, I discovered that one of the sites from whom I buy clothes also sells shoes up to size 10 in normal widths. That site is Curvissa. I have known about Curvissa for a few years now but had never even considered looking at their shoe range as I simply assumed they would sell only up the the dreaded size 9. So I ordered some of their shoes - I couldn't wait to try them. At the same time though, I was also nervous as sometimes in shoes as in clothing, the sizes can be a bit 'off' and a size 10 turns out to be anything but a size 10. When they arrived I couldn't wait to try them on and my fears were proved baseless - they all fitted perfectly. For the first time in my adult life, I have six pairs of pretty shoes that actually fit my feet. They are so comfy and are a price that won't put a huge dent in your bank account.

I would also suggest you look at the Pretty Big Shoes page mentioned above and try some of the sites they recommend. If you are looking for nice shoes in above average sizes, they may just have what you're dreaming of.

Depression isn't all it's cracked up to be

Since I can remember I have always harboured thoughts that I am useless, fat, disgusting and many other things. Where did these thoughts come from? I am guessing they stem from me hearing other people's opinions of me. Some family members were never particularly nice to me growing up. My parents were always the ones who tried to protect me and love me, and they did love me for who I was, who I am and what I looked like. They only ever tried their best for me. But sadly there were occasions when they didn't hear the other people say these demeaning things to me. No matter how much my parents told me I was loved, lovely and worthy of anything, the other voices were stronger.
Then it started to get worse, more people joined in the tiresome noises in my head - my peers, doctors, people who I did not know and who did not know me, Of course there were the normal "it's such a shame, you would be so much prettier if you lost the weight" to the "you are fat - you can't join in with us", which over the years as I grew and went onto high school, college, the work place only got worse, as did my weight. The louder the voices in my head became, the more I would try to eat and push back those noises, and the worse things got. Back then I was a teenager, and obesity and bullying were not as talked about as they are now.
It wasn't until I was in my early 20's that a doctor finally asked the big question - "How are YOU?" those 3 little words were something I had never been asked before. But they unleashed a tsunami of feelings that food had always repressed. She decided to put me on antidepressants and suggested I see a counsellor. To be honest, I'd have given anything to rid myself of these voices.
So that was the first of many conversations I'd have with people over the years on how to deal with my demons.
Over the past 15 years I have seen many different people who have tried to help me, but none of it has really stuck. I have tried many techniques from meditation, mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. But none of it has ever really helped.
No matter what questions I asked I could not get the answers I think I needed, I couldn't put these voices and painful memories into a compartment into my mind.
I know I should be stronger than these things, but I am not. Eating is still my comfort and still the thing that helps dull the pain. But still the real voices are there, they are my daily reminder that some people are cruel. I cannot even sit in a silent room - no matter what I am doing I always have the radio, the television or some kind of other voice, even to get to sleep.
I still take antidepressants and remain hopeful that one day I can find a way to learn to like myself.