Losing my Benny

A week ago today was the worst day of my life so far, I have never felt such pain and loss ever. I never knew losing my beloved dog Ben would happen so quick.
On Saturday he kissed me goodbye as he always did even if I was only away for 5 minutes, but I was off on holiday for a week. In the early hours of Sunday morning my step daughter texted me to say his tummy was upset - she'd phoned the vet and he'd said it sounded like a tummy bug and to keep an eye on him.
After a lovely day out on Monday I was called with the news that Ben was dying. We packed the hotel room so quickly. I have never moved so fast - I needed to be with my baby boy.
I remember the first time I ever saw him, I had wanted a dog all my life and eventually I had the chance to seek out my perfect friend. As soon as I saw him, a little ball of fur snuggled up to his mum I fell completely in love with him. He slowly walked towards me and I picked him up and knew he was going to be the love of my life. A few days later I picked him up and he was for 14 and a half years my best friend, my soul mate and the love of my life. I do not think I could love anything or anyone anymore than Ben. He was my reason for living, I told him all of my secrets and when I had no friends he was always there. Andrew knew he came with the package when he met me, he was my son.
I recall the holidays we went on together, the fun and cuddles we shared, the times when I was crying he made me smile again. Anyone who ever met him fell in love with him, his beautiful face and smile. His wonderfully soft fur, to me he was and always will be the perfect dog,
The older he got the more issues he had - he had problems with his back legs, but would still do whatever he wanted to do, I bought him harnesses just in case for the future, wheels for if he needed them for a walk. But he refused to give in.
He loved his walks, his fuss and playing. Even when he got older he still had his puppy moments. Woofing at you for daring to stop giving him fuss or playing with him.
Whilst driving home on Monday evening I was constantly on the phone to my step daughter, the vet and my dad. I knew I would not make it in time to say goodbye, it was his wish for me not to see him in such pain and agony, I got to say everything I ever wanted too though. I am so grateful for modern technology and the fact I could talk to him over the phone, to tell him mummy loved him and that he will always be my baby boy my Bubsy. That it was ok for him to go, that I understood and loved him.
A few minutes later my dad phoned to say he was gone. I was devastated. As I looked up from my phone and into the distance ahead, a perfect, bright, wide rainbow appeared despite the fact there'd been no rain, it was like a sign from him. From that moment until we got close to the vets I felt nothing, I was numb. Then, as we drew nearer my heart felt like it was being ripped out. Finally we arrived and I went into the treatment room to see him. He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping, but I have never before wished so hard for something - for him to take a breath or for this to be just a terrible dream. I kissed him and told him I would see him again one day.
That evening as we lay in bed, with Ruby, our other dog asleep and snoring beside the bed, both myself and my husband heard Ben's unmistakable "woof". I swear if my husband had not heard it I would have thought I was going crazy. He was reminding me he's still here with me and I knew from that moment he always would be!

To some people he would have just been a dog, but to me he will always be my baby boy. I will see him again one day and every day until then he will be at my side. I love you Benny xxx

My thoughts on Scarlett & Jo

I have long admired their dresses only from afar, because I find it hard to justify spending over £30 on a dress, but their sales offer great savings.
Earlier this year I managed to buy a dress from them and fell totally in love with it, so when they recently had another sale, I was quick to see what I could afford. I ordered 3 lovely dresses which came within a few days and I couldn't wait to try them on.
The first dress was a printed hanky hem dress:  http://www.scarlettandjo.com/



It is a lovely fabric and so very comfy to wear. I find the length on myself quite good, being 6ft tall it is always hard to get dresses long enough. I also ordered it in a size 22, Scarlett & Jo are very generous in their sizing as I am normally a size 26/28 these days. This Hanky Hem dress is amazing and I would recommend it to anyone who likes this style.

One of the other dresses I decided to try out was the Jacquard Fit and Flare Dress:
http://www.scarlettandjo.com




It is a very pretty dress and a lovely material, but I have found it not as comfy or stretchy as the Hanky Hem. I have massive bingo wings and find they need extra tugging and squashing to get even slightly comfy. I am very glad that I ordered it in a size 24, and for my arms I probably could have done with it a size or 2 bigger, but the body fitted amazingly and it was also a great length.

I would recommend anyone to buy from Scarlett & Jo, their clothing is very flattering, very plus size friendly and I cannot wait to try more of their clothing, especially the range for taller people.

Doctors and being fat

Since I was 8 years old I have had an unhealthy relationship with most doctors. My first bad memory was being told at 8 that I would die within a few years if I did not lose weight. From that point on it seems nearly every doctor I saw would bring up my weight, how it will affect me and that I should change. Never was I asked if I wanted to lose weight, nor was I tested to see if I was healthy even though I was obviously overweight. Whenever I saw a doctor for whatever reason - even tonsillitis, the subject of my weight became the main topic of discussion. The thought of seeing doctors would make me recoil. So much so I would try not to see doctors if I could help it.

At the age of 8 I was sent to see a specialist. He did nothing to actually help me, he just took my pulse in different parts of my body, measured me and told me to go. It was an odd meeting, to this day I have no idea what its purpose was.

I was put on various diets and consequently rarely ate what the other children did. I always felt the odd one out for various reasons, but it was most apparent when sat with other children and them asking why I did not have the same food as they all did. I did try to lose weight, although it still baffled me why I wasn't considered just one of the children. I was always a 'special case'.

Then at 20 years old it was suggested I see someone about weight loss surgery. At the time it was new to the UK, but I was told the results were promising. So with the chance of being normal on offer,  I went to see him. The appointment was a disaster, My mother and I sat and listened to the surgeon who told me that I would never be able to eat solid food again. Then his phone rang so he answered it and drifted off into an unrelated conversation. It was as though we weren't even there - we seemed nothing more than an inconvenience to him. I left the meeting feeling deflated - the thought of never being able to eat anything but puree for the rest of my life was scary.

As time went on I gained more weight and knew I had to do something, I tried various diets and carried out more research into weight loss surgery. I eventually asked to see someone else about the subject.

I saw a team in Birmingham - the first meeting was positive, they said they could help me, I knew my facts now and knew what I wanted. I was sent away and told I'd hear from them within 8 weeks and that I should try to lose some weight in the meantime.

I put my heart and soul into those 8 weeks, but I heard nothing from them. I was calling them every few days and asked my GP to try to contact them, 8 weeks turned into 8 months. By this time I had given up on the diet, I comfort ate again. Then one day, over 12 months later I received a letter asking me to attend an appointment the following week. I was so happy to get the appointment that I didn't even think about whether I had put on weight.

As it turns out I had indeed gained weight and once again the appointment was a nightmare. The bariatric surgeon told me it was 'disgusting' that I'd gained weight and also suggested I was lying when I said I hadn't heard from them for so long. At that moment I knew for sure I didn't want to be opened up and operated upon by a person who thought so little of me.

As time went on I moved house and got married. I was now living in a new area and made enquiries with my new local NHS trust, At my first appointment I was told that I'd be considered for surgery only after having lost 14 stone on my own. It goes without saying that if I were capable of losing 14 stone by diet and exercise alone, then I wouldn't need surgery at all! The NHS' Patient's Charter states that the patient has the right to request they see any suitable health professional and at any venue. With this in mind I contacted my NHS Trust and asked to see a particular consultant at a particular hospital - he had a fine reputation for dealing effectively with the very problems I presented. For reasons known only to themselves, my NHS Trust refused to transfer me, despite my iteration of The Patient's Charter and NICE guidelines (which state that in instances such as mine, immediate surgery is the preferred option).

Over the years I've been lucky enough to meet and interact with many good nurses and doctors, but their hard work and caring nature was overshadowed by the attitude of the few who I felt were intent on not helping me.

I have heard many stories from other plus size people of similar things happening to them. Why is the issue of weight always the subject of discussion at appointments, even when it's nothing to do with the reason you're there? Why do some assume that all fat people are unfit and eat rubbish all day, Honestly this is normally far from the truth. I know a lot of overweight people who are a lot fitter and eat much healthier food than some slim people I know. Is 'fat' really the worst thing a person can be? I hope one day things will change.