Thank you!

Following my appearance on television on the programme "Shut-ins - Britain's Fattest Woman", I would like to say thank you so much to everyone who has sent me positive messages and comments. I cannot believe the number of you who've sent me kind words and support. I know many of you have commented on my blog and I am sorry that I have not replied to you on here, but for some reason I am having issues with replying. I just hope I can do well not just for myself but to show all of you that the supposedly 'impossible' can be achieved as long as you keep at it.

Of course there have also been people who tell me I am, amongst other things, ignorant, stupid and that I did not deserve the help I got, To these people I would like to say that you have not walked in my shoes, you have no idea of my issues and what I have been through. You have only seen an hour of television which was edited down from over 2 years of footage. You have no idea of the torment you can get from how you look. The criticism you receive every day from not only people you know, but strangers, is enough to push you to the edge. They seem to think that putting you down will suddenly make you realise you are fat. I don't want to shock you haters out there, but I KNOW I am fat! Is being fat really the worst thing a person can be? Do you think abuse will somehow help towards 'curing' me of my fatness? Or do you just like being angry and rude?
I have no choice but to spend all day every day with my issues apparent for all to see. If I were an alcoholic, drug addict or used another form of abuse to rely on and make my demons go away, I would be able to appear perfectly normal nearly all of the time to those who don't know me. But sadly my comfort, my friend and the one thing I rely on has an obvious and conspicuous physical effect.
Furthermore, imagine being, say, an alcoholic and trying to kick the habit but in order to remain alive, having to take a small alcoholic drink on a regular basis. Or a smoker trying to give up their addiction whilst also having to smoke one cigarette every day to stay alive. The best way to cure an addiction is to avoid the offending substance completely - try doing that with food and see how long you last! Losing weight isn't as easy as those who've never had to do it on a life-changing scale would have you believe.
So if you're one of the haters, maybe you might one day change one of YOUR bad habits and see past the simple surface detail - you'll see that there's a real person in there somewhere.Try to engage with that person instead of falling prey to your own ignorance.

Britain's Fattest Woman My Perspective!

So with tonight's program I thought I would answer some questions that seemed to have popped up about this in the press. Plus a few things I wish to say on the subject.

I do not and would never blame the NHS for the size I got to, I do how ever think things could of been done a lot differently, especially when I was younger. But how can I blame something that helps so many people.
I was always judged and put down by most of the doctors I ever saw as a child and teenager. Even if I went to the doctors for a simple thing as tonsillitis my weight would be bought up, never with words of help or actual advice, but normally being put down, told I was disgusting and that I would probably be dead by the time I was 20.
I did go to a specialist when I was 8 years old, but that was another waste of time and effort on the part of my ever trying mother. I was weighed, height taken and he also felt my groin for what reason I still do not know. I never returned nor do I remember getting any help in any way. Do I think life would of been easier if I was an Alcoholic, a drug user or smoker, YES! All of these people get sympathy for their addiction. But they can walk down the street and no one will know what demons they are battling.

As I got older judgement and my weight got worse, I did have one doctor who asked me if I would consider surgery. At that point in my life I would of done anything to lose weight, I had no friends and I had not had a pleasant childhood when it came to how others treated me.
 I was always the fat child, the odd one out, at high school it got worse and I was teased, made to hide as best as I could from the abuse of others. I had what I thought were friends, but found that I was never sure who to trust. As I left high school and went to college things went from bad to terrible. I stuck it out for nearly a year and a half. Any time I was alone I would get berated, pushed, shoved, told to die, told I was disgusting. As soon as I could drive I thought things would get better, I could get to college as soon as my lecture was ready and get to class without seeing these people. But I could also leave as soon as they finished. This was worse, the people I classed as my friends did not understand, I could not tell them what was happening to me, how would they understand? I was so embarrassed that this was happening to me I had no words to tell people. Along with this people on the street, family and anyone who wasn't my parents put me down, all because of how I looked.
So at 21 I went to see the surgeon that I hoped would change my life, the man who I saw gave me nothing but disappointment, he did not seem to want to tell me what would happen, just that I would never eat normal food again, instead I would have a life of puree food.
From that meeting and for the next 13 years I saw a couple of surgeons who I hoped would help me, instead I would be put down, lied to and told to go away and lose an amount of weight that was impossible.
Looking back on my life I can see I have always turned to food, it has been my source of comfort when I had no one, it is my friend and my enemy, still to this day I have a love hate relationship with food. Just as with other addictions I crave sugar morning, noon and night. I am always wanting something sweet. It's a daily problem but every second of my life I have to say to myself you do not need that. If only it was that easy.

I have been happy in my life, When I was in my early 20's I found the bbw scene, I got to meet amazing women and men who made me for once in my life like myself slightly. Even though I was surrounded by plus size friends I still wanted to be thinner. Not only for the reason that I was always told I should lose weight, life would be better if I lost weight, but for me it was for my health and for the chance to one day be a mum. Since I found these amazing women who I look up to and admire I had never thought I wish to be thin, I have realised that you can be big and healthy, that health is important. You can be a size 8 or 10 and unhealthy but you can also be a size 30 and healthy, It should not matter your size it should matter that you are healthy! But for me at 48.2 stone I was not healthy or happy. I still am not, the amount of damage I have done to my body is still a day to day struggle. I just hope one day I can be back to how I was when I was in my 20's and able to run, jog and walk miles.
I miss working, I miss the social interaction and that I can support myself. I do hope one day to go back to work, I have no idea if I will get a job as my academic life is not great, but also because of my size, Sadly society and most media outlets seem to portray fat people as lazy, useless and unable to do a job.
If any of you have any questions out there please ask me, I am a very open person. I would also like to thank Channel 4 and Blink films for everything that have done for me, without them I would never of got surgery and I would probably of been dead by the time I was 40. Even though every day for me is a struggle I am always fighting! I still get lots of abuse from the person on the street and on social media. But what I have to say to those people is this! You do not know me, you have not walked in my shoes, maybe you should look at yourself a bit more, if it makes you feel better to put someone else down who is fighting a daily battle with themselves!